var lines = new Array(
      "Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?",
      "How bout you, me, and privacy?",
      "I heard milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much you been drinking?",
      "Why don't you step out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini? - Robert Charles Benchley",
      "Well we better get you out of those wet clothes!",
      "You just think this is my leg.",
      "Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you!",
      "Are you from Tennessee? 'Cause you're the only ten I see.",
      "Being a multimillionaire really doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.",
      "Can I have a picture? ......So I can show Santa EXACTLY what I want for Christmas.",
      "Could you please step away from the bar? You're melting all the ice.",
      "Do you believe in love at first sight or should I drive by again?",
      "Do you have a band-aid cuz I scraped my knee when I fell for you...",
      "Do you have a quarter? My mom told me to call her when I fell in love.",
      "Do you like strawberries or blueberries better? I just want to know what to put in your pancakes tomorrow morning...",
      "Do you mind if I invade your personal space?",
      "Do you sleep on your stomach? No? Can I?",
      "Get your coat girl, you've scored!",
      "Here I am! Now what were your other two wishes?",
      "Hey, do you know what winks and makes love like a tiger?",
      "Hi, my name is Milk and I will do your body good",
      "How do you like your eggs, fried, scrambled, or fertilized?",
      "I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?",
      "I lost my puppy, can you help me find it? I think it went into that cheap motel room.",
      "I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you instead?",
      "I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed rock!",
      "I need a place to blot my lipstick. Can I use your lips?",
      "I worked at a cardboard factory about a year ago with a very strange group of guys....These are just a few of the musings that kept the day interesting: 'What's the difference between a duck' 'Do you pack your lunch or walk to work?' 'Is it farther to Miami than by bus?'",
      "I'd buy you a drink, but I'd be jealous of the straw",
      "I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.",
      "I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?",
      "If I had a million boogers I'd still pick you.",
      "If I were bread, would you be my butter?",
      "If I were God, all of my angels would look like you!",
      "If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.",
      "Is it hot in here, or is it just you?",
      "Is that a ladder up your stocking or a stairway to heaven?",
      "Men are like parking spaces: All the good ones are taken and all that's left are handicapped.",
      "My breasts are heavy, will you hold them for a while?",
      "Oh, my dear! Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?",
      "One of us is thinking about sex... me.",
      "Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question.",
      "Should I break it to your friend that she's going home alone?",
      "Should I call you in the morning or just nudge you?",
      "Stick with me baby and I'll buy you rocks as big as diamonds.",
      "That outfit looks great on you. It would look even better rolled up in a ball on my bedroom floor.",
      "That's a nice shirt, can I talk you out of it?",
      "You know, this is a psychic watch, and right now it says that you aren't wearing any underwear... Oops! Sorry, it's running a hour early again",
      "Well? Have you saved up enough to take me out yet?",
      "Whoops! Sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.",
      "Wink. I'll do the rest.",
      "You are a naughty boy... go to my room!",
      "You look just like my third wife. Of course I've only been married twice...",
      "You make my teeth sweat",
      "You must use Windex on your pants -- because I can see myself in them!!",
      "You're like a cappucino: hot, sweet, and you make me nervous.",
      "You've probably heard every line there is, so one more isn't gonna hurt.",
      "Your Father must be a terrorist, because you're the bomb",
      "They say a little wisdom never hurt anyone. Tell that to socrates.",
      "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for enough good men to do nothing. - Edmund Burke",
      "Never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.",
      "98% of the population is asleep. The other 2% are staring around in complete amazement, abject terror, or both.",
      "A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits. - Woodrow Wilson",
      "America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.",
      "America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. - Oscar Wilde",
      "Assassination is the extreme form of censorship. - George Bernard Shaw",
      "Civilization is the distance man has placed between himself and his excreta. - Brian Aldiss",
      "Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.",
      "Education is the best defense against the media.",
      "I read a report that said the typical symptoms of stress were eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.",
      "If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work 'gay'?",
      "If some unemployed punk in New Jersey can get a cassette to make love to Ella McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.",
      "If you can hear yourself singing...the music ain't loud enough!",
      "Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?",
      "It is true that liberty is precious, but is it so precious it must be rationed?",
      "It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber.",
      "It's not Area 51 I'm worried about- it's Areas 1 through 50.",
      "Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them.",
      "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - George W. Bush",
      "More and more of our imports come from overseas. - George W. Bush",
      "The next time we elect a president, for God's sake can we do a background check? - David Letterman",
      "Hey look! It's the two symbols of the Republican Party, an elephant, and big, fat, sweaty guy who's afraid of change.",
      "A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always count on the support of Paul.",
      "A statesman who keeps his ear permanently glued to the ground will have neither elegance of posture nor flexibility of movement. - Abba Eban",
      "Absolute power corrupts absolutely.",
      "Bureaucracy is a challenge to be overcome by a righteous attitude, tolerance for stupidity and a bulldozer when necessary.",
      "Communism is man's exploitation of man. Capitalism is just the opposite.",
      "Don't vote. You'll only encourage them.",
      "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. - Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89",
      "I bought a Venus Fly Trap today. I was going to name it 'Republican', but the fly trap is beneficial to the enviroment. I'll save that name - someday I might find a plant that eats poor people and minorities.",
      "I used to like political jokes until so many of them got elected!",
      "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle",
      "Everyday above ground is a good day",
      "The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.",
      "Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. - Benny Hill",
      "'Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.' - John F. Kennedy",
      "'Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.' -- Clarence Thomas, U.S. Supreme Court Justice",
      "Prejudice can save lots of time, because you can form an opinion without any facts.",
      "'Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.' - Euripides",
      "'The art of free and critical thought is not easily learned. It must be nurtured.'",
      "'The common people like to be deceived. Deceived let them be.",
      ".sdrawkcab dootsrednu tub sdrawrof devil si efiL",
      "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.",
      "A closed mouth gathers no feet.",
      "A comfortable falsehood will always win out over an uncomfortable truth.",
      "A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.",
      "A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.",
      "A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose.",
      "A little bit of pain never hurt anyone",
      "A man who lives in a glass house should change in the basement.",
      "A man who throws dirt loses ground.",
      "A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.",
      "A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the ass.",
      "A person that learns from their mistakes is smart. A person that learns from other people's mistakes is smarter.",
      "A person whose heart is not content is like a snake which tries to swallow an elephant (Chinese proverb)",
      "A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.",
      "A proverb is the wisdom of many and the wit of one.",
      "A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune.",
      "A ton of regret never made an ounce of difference.",
      "A true friend walks in when the world walks out.",
      "A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.",
      "A waist is a terrible thing to mind.",
      "A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.",
      "A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.",
      "Add life to your years, instead of years to your life.",
      "Always drink upstream from the herd.",
      "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.",
      "Always try to be the best, but don't ever think you are the best.",
      "An agreeable person is someone who agrees with you.",
      "Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.",
      "Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.",
      "Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.",
      "Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.",
      "At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.",
      "Bad liars need a good memory",
      "Be bold in what you stand for and careful what you fall for.",
      "Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.",
      "Be careful whose toes you step on today, they might be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.",
      "Be exceedingly humble, for the fate of man is but the worm.",
      "Believe those who are seeking truth, doubt those who find it.",
      "Boys will be boys... and so will a lot of middle aged men!",
      "Carpe diem - Seize the day. Carp in denim - There's a fish in my pants!",
      "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.",
      "Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.",
      "Character, like soup, is made at home.",
      "Common Sense is not very common.",
      "Conventional wisdom says to know your limits. To know your limits you need to find them first. Finding you limits generally involves getting in over your head and hoping you live long enough to benefit from the experience. That's the fun part.",
      "Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the soul of genius.",
      "Defeat isn't bitter if you don't swallow it.",
      "Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.",
      "Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of old. Seek what they sought.",
      "Do not waste today regretting yesterday.",
      "Don't make waves and you won't drown. You won't reach land either...",
      "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.",
      "Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.",
      "Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.",
      "Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail friends.",
      "Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.",
      "Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.",
        "Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.",
        "Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.",
        "Excuses are the easiest things to manufacture, and the hardest things to sell.",
        "Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.",
        "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.",
        "Forgiveness is like the fragrance a flower gives after it's been stepped on.",
        "Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life.",
        "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.",
        "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.",
        "God gave us two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we talk.",
        "Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.",
        "He who bites his own dog barks last.",
        "He who hesitates is probably right.",
        "He who laughs last didn't get the joke.",
        "Honesty is always the best policy... As long as you're not dealing with women.",
        "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.",
        "Idiocy is just a stroke of briliance that normal prople don't understand. - Kimber",
        "If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.",
        "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.",
        "If Robing Hood takes from the rich and give to the poor...then wouldn't that make the rich the poor and the poor the rich and then he would have to steal from the rich (who were poor at first) and give to the poor (who were the rich at first) ok anyone else seeing a pattern here?",
        "If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.",
        "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.",
        "If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.",
        "If you have much, give of your wealth. If you have little, give of your heart.",
        "In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.",
        "In the winds of change, keep the fire within.",
        "Indecision is the key to flexibility.",
        "Intelligence is like a river. The deeper it is, the less noise it makes.",
        "Intelligence is like underwear, everyone should have it, but we shouldn't show it off. - Gene Petret",
        "It is best not to swap horses while crossing the river. - Lincoln",
        "It is better to regret something you did, rather than to regret something you didn't do.",
        "It is better to sleep on what you intend doing than to stay awake over what you've done.",
        "It is easy to be flexible when one is spineless.",
        "It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.",
        "It is hard to stumble when you're on your knees.",
        "It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite.",
        "It is nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.",
        "It takes one tree to make 10,000 matches, but one match to burn 10,000 trees.",
        "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.",
        "It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married.",
        "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.",
        "Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.",
        "Life is like a hot bath, the longer you stay the more wrinkled you get.",
        "Live dangerously and you live right.",
        "Live such that when you die, even the undertaker will be sorry.",
        "Love conquers all, unless of course you're playing tennis.",
        "Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.",
        "Never anger a dragon, for you are crunchy and you go well with Brie.",
        "Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.",
        "Never clean your room while your plane ticket is in it.",
        "Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.",
        "Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.",
        "Never practice proctology on a porcupine.",
        "Never put your finger where you wouldn't put your nose.",
        "Never test the depth of the water with both feet.",
        "Never try to leap a chasm in two jumps.",
        "Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.",
        "No matter where you are, that's where your at.",
        "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt",
        "Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.",
        "Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.",
        "Nothing has value but that which you grant it.",
        "Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. - Marie Curie",
        "Nothing makes your clothes go out of fashion faster than getting a raise.",
        "On the road of life, there are windshields and there are bugsplats.",
        "One of the few things that rivals a sore loser is an arrogant winner.",
        "Only dead fish go with the flow.",
        "Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong. - Leo Buscaglia",
        "People in glass houses should always wear clothes.",
        "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Neither should they nail up pictures.",
        "People who are wrapped up in themselves make very small packages.",
        "Pray to God but row for the shore (old Russian proverb)",
        "Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.",
        "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.",
        "Silence is wise if we are foolish, but foolish if we are wise.",
        "Simplicity of character is the result of profound thought.",
        "Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.",
        "Sometimes it's easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission.",
        "Success consists of getting up one more time than you have fallen down.",
        "Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage that counts. - Winston Churchill",
        "Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.",
        "Take as much as you want, put back more than you take.",
        "The best things in life aren't things.",
        "The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.",
        "The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.",
        "The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.",
        "The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies.",
        "The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.",
        "The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.",
        "The same fire that melts iron forges steel.",
        "The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those that got there first.",
        "The true test of a man's character is what he would do if he knew he would never be caught.",
        "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.",
        "The wonder of a single snowflake outweighs the wisdom of a million meteorologists.",
        "The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.",
        "There are no passengers on spaceship Earth - we are all the crew.",
        "There are no strangers in this world, just friends we've never met.",
        "There are two kinds of people in the world, those that think there are two kinds of people in the world, and those that know better.",
        "There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.",
        "There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek such problems because you need their gifts. - Richard Bach, 'Illusions...'",
        "Think twice before you speak, especially if you intend to say what you think.",
        "Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students.",
        "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.",
        "To meet an old friend in a distant land is like refreshing rain after a long drought.",
        "Too much sunshine makes a desert.",
        "Truth is that which, when ignored, does not go away.",
        "Two things that are essential to life is WD 40 and duct tape. If it moves and it isn't supposed to use the duct tape. If it doesn't move and it's supposed to use the WD 40.",
        "Understanding is a three edged sword: Your side, their side, and the truth. - Kosh, Babylon 5",
        "Water which is too pure has no fish.",
        "We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing.",
        "We must pave our road to experience with regret. - Alyssa Bethancourt",
        "We occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of us pick ourselves up and hurry on as if nothing happened.",
        "When ideas fail, words become very handy.",
        "When picking between two evils, choose the one you've never tried before --Jay Chan",
        "When someone points skyward, it's the fool that looks at the finger.",
        "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.",
        "When the pupil is ready, the teacher will come.",
        "When you fall off a horse don't get back on because the horse probably doesn't like you",
        "Who gossips to you will gossip of you.",
        "Why survive when you can live?",
        "Wise man make proverbs but fools repeat them.",
        "With lies you may get ahead in life but you can never turn back. - Old Russian proverb.",
        "You always find something in the last place you look.",
        "You can't help the poor man by destroying the rich.",
        "You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.",
        "You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.",
        "A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on - C.D. Bailey",
        "Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.",
        "Accidents don't just happen. They must be carelessly planned.",
        "Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. - Mark Twain",
        "Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level.",
        "Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.",
        "Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.",
        "Always remember to pillage before you burn.",
        "At the end of your rope? Tie a knot and SWING! - Leo Buscaglia, the Hug Doctor",
        "Be consistent (but not all the time)",
        "Be like a postage stamp - stick to one thing until you get there.",
        "Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school- you'll be working for them in the future.",
        "Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.",
        "Be true to your teeth, or they'll be false to you.",
        "Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.",
        "Become who you are. - Nietzsche",
        "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too.",
        "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.",
        "Buy land - they've stopped making it. - Mark Twain",
        "Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.",
        "Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it!",
        "Do not hit at all if it can be avoided, but never hit softly. - Theodore Roosevelt",
        "Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.",
        "Don't argue with a fool. The spectators can't tell the difference. - Charles j. Nalin",
        "Don't be so humble, you're not that great. - Golda Meir",
        "Don't believe everything you think.",
        "Don't go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck",
        "Don't let yesterday take up to much of today.",
        "Don't mark the spot where you bury the hatchet.",
        "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - William Coronel",
        "Don't steal a police car unless you're prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.",
        "Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.",
        "Drink varnish and you'll get a lovely finish.",
        "Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.",
        "Drive it like you stole it",
        "Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.",
        "Eat your spinach and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye. You'll also end up with a girlfriend that looks like Olive Oyl.",
        "Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. - Oscar Wilde, 1856-1900",
        "Endeavour to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. - Mark Twain",
        "Find the key to yourself and every door in the world is open to you.",
        "For attractive lips, speak words of kindness - Audrey Hepburn",
        "Found on a Speed Racer T-shirt: Machine Wash Cold Your 100% Cotton Silk-Screened T-shirt. Tumble dry low, clean your room, and don't stay out past 11:00 without calling.",
        "Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.",
        "Grab life by the balls until it coughs up all it has to offer- Suzie",
        "Growl all day and you'll be dog tired at night.",
        "Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough. - Josh Billings",
        "If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!",
        "If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.",
        "If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.",
        "If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.",
        "If someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.",
        "If someone shows you who they are, believe them.",
        "If you and your friend are being chased by a grizzly bear, don't worry about out-running the bear, just worry about out-running your friend.",
        "If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.",
        "If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.",
        "If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.",
        "If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.",
        "If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.",
        "If you haven't much education you must use your brain.",
        "If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.",
        "If you put your nose to the grindstone, you'll get a flat face.",
        "If you receive something that says 'Send this to everyone you know,' pretend you don't know me. (Roy Johnson)",
        "If you see a snake, just kill it. Don't appoint a committee on snakes. - H. Ross Perot",
        "If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.",
        "If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.",
        "If you think your wife's jewellery is an investment, try selling a few pieces.",
        "If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times.",
        "If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.",
        "If you walk under a ladder, and it falls down on you it probably means bad luck.",
        "If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.",
        "If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!",
        "If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. - Benjamin Disraeli",
        "If you're walking on thing ice, make sure you know how to swim well.",
        "In difficult moments, behave like a duck. Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but keep paddling away underneath.",
        "It is better to give a rock out of love than a diamond out of duty.",
        "It is better to keep your mouth shut, and look like a fool, than to open your mouth, and remove all doubt.",
        "It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do a little.",
        "It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.",
        "It's a small world, so you gotta use your elbows a lot.",
        "It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.",
        "It's better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.",
        "It's nice to be important, but more important to be nice.",
        "Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers. - Voltaire",
        "Keep your face to the sunshine and you will not see the shadows. - Helen Keller",
        "Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds you down or polishes you up, depends upon what you're made of.",
        "Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don't complain about the draught.",
        "Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert.",
        "Live simply so that others may simply live... - Gandhi",
        "Never argue with a man carrying a water buffalo.",
        "Never argue with an idiot. Bystanders can't tell the difference.",
        "Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.",
        "Never buy a car you can't push.",
        "Never buy anything that has a handle, eats, needs painting, or has babies.",
        "Never eat more than you can lift. - Miss Piggy",
        "Never eat yellow snow.",
        "Never go to a plastic surgeon whose waiting room is full of Picassos",
        "Never lick a self-adhesive stamp.",
        "Never mess up an apology with an excuse.",
        "Never pet a burning dog.",
        "Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.",
        "Never say 'OOPS!' Always say 'Ah, Interesting!'",
        "Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.",
        "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.",
        "Never weed wack poison ivy in the nude.",
        "Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.",
        "No varnish can hide the grain of the wood and the more varnish you put on, the more the grain will express itself. - Charles Dickens",
        "Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.",
        "Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. - Ralph Waldo Emerson",
        "Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.",
        "Patience comes to those who wait.",
        "People are illogical, inconsiderate and self-centred. Love them anyway.",
        "Perseverance is not a long race. It is many short races one after another.",
        "Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.",
        "Question Authority. They usually know where the bathroom is. - MTV's Daria",
        "Quit smoking on the anniversary of your birth, not the day of your death. - Corky Peterson",
        "Revenge has no more quenching effect on emotions than salt water has on thirst.",
        "Save a horse - ride a cowboy",
        "Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter",
        "Share your smile with everyone, but save your kiss for only one.",
        "Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.",
        "Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. - Ambrose Bierce",
        "Stand for something, or you'll fall for anything.",
        "Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.",
        "Take the road not taken - the leaves crunch that much louder!",
        "Take the time to be right. It's faster than being wrong. - my 8th grade band teacher",
        "The act of giving is more important than the merit of the receiver.",
        "The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.",
        "The cigarette does the smoking, you're just the sucker.",
        "The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.",
        "The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.",
        "The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.",
        "The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.",
        "The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but no one's ever died from it.",
        "There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.",
        "There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die.' - Alistair J.R. Young",
        "They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!",
        "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.",
        "We don't want a thing because we have found a reason for it - we find a reason for it because we want it.",
        "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry",
        "When all you have is a hammer, the whole world looks like a nail.",
        "When arguing with a fool make sure he isn't doing the same",
        "When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.",
        "When people deserve your love and support the least, that is when they need it the most.",
        "When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.",
        "When someone says, 'do you want my opinion?' - have you noticed that it's always a negative one.",
        "When you get upset, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to extend your middle finger.",
        "When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.",
        "When you're in up over your head, the first thing to do is close your mouth.",
        "Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody is looking.'",
        "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. - Corrie TenBoom",
        "You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.",
        "You have to watch out for yourself, because nobody else is going to. Especially during dodgeball.",
        "You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything.",
        "Times fun when you're having flies. - Kermit the Frog",
        "'A career is a wonderful thing, but you can't snuggle up to it on a cold night.' - Marilyn Monroe",
        "'A group of psychologists say they have discovered twenty-three different body language indicators that show whether or not a person is lying. If you would like to see all twenty-three at the same time, they recommend taking a guided tour of the White House' - Conan O'Brien",
        "'A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.'",
        "'A woman's body is a work of art. A man's body is a utilitarian. It's for gettin' around. It's like a Jeep.' - Elain on Seinfeld, on why men shouldn't walk around naked.",
        "'Big Brother is watching' - George Orwell (1984)",
        "'Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.' - Charles Schultz",
        "'Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.' - some dead guy.",
        "'Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision?' - Marilyn Monroe",
        "'God is dead.' - Nietzsche",
        "'Nietzsche is dead' - God",
        "'Great spirits often meet violent opposition with mediocre minds' - Albert Einstein",
        "'How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question', people?!?' - Alex Trebek",
        "'I don't read books, but I have friends who do.' -Presidential Candidate George W. Bush",
        "'I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.' - Britney Spears",
        "'I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom.' -- Bob Hope",
        "'I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.' - Jeff Stilson",
        "'I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk.' - Stephen King",
        "'I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober one night...' - Andre Botes",
        "'I no longer wish to belong to the kind of club that accepts people like me as members' - Groucho Marx",
        "'I tried to wrestle my inner demons once... but they used to many illegal holds.' - Amanda McAllister",
        "'I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.' - Woody Allen",
        "'I'm not confused, I'm well mixed.' -Robert Frost",
        "'If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.' - Albert Einstein",
        "'In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science, one gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.' - Mark Twain",
        "'It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen' - Dolly Parton",
        "'It's not true that life is one damn thing after another. It's the same damn thing over and over.' - Edna St. Vincent Milay",
        "'Justice will only be achieved when those who are not injured by crime feel as indignant as those who are.' - King Solomon",
        "'Life is tough, it's tougher when you're stupid.' - John Wayne",
        "'Men don't care what's on TV. They care about what else is on TV.' - Jerry Seinfeld",
        "'Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as it nothing had happened' - Winston Churchill",
        "'My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.' - Ashleigh Brilliant",
        "'Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.' - Albert Einstein",
        "'Nothing that results from human progress is achieved with unanimous consent. And those who are enlightened before the others are condemned to pursue that light in spite of others.' - Christopher Columbus",
        "'Once in Africa I lost the corkscrew and we were forced to live off food and water for weeks.' - Ernest Hemingway",
        "'People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public.' - Bryan White",
        "'People think that being famous is just about having your picture taken all the time and being rich rich rich, and you know what?... They're absolutely right.' - Madonna",
        "'Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.' - Gandhi",
        "'Take a breath, Al... Inhale.' - Vice President Dan Quayle politely cutting off Senator Al Gore during the VP Debate in Atlanta, 10/13/92",
        "'The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon.' -- Robert Cromier",
        "'The masses are the asses.' -Karl Marx",
        "'The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced. The arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.' (Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 B.C.)",
        "'The trouble with work is that it interferes with living.' - Peter Mckill 1968",
        "'The weather in Central Park is still there. And it's cloudy.' - John Lennon doing the weather report on WNEW New York radio, 1974",
        "'There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them.' - Dave Barry",
        "'They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...' - General John Sedgwick, Union commander in the Civil War, speaking his last words as he was watching enemy troops during the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House.",
        "'To err is human, but it feels divine!' - Mae West",
        "'We'd like to say thank you on behalf of the group and ourselves, and we hope we passed the audition.' - John Lennon (at the taping of the Let it Be album-1969)",
        "'When I got to the top of Everest, I was tired.' - Aracelli Segarra",
        "'When I was born I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.' - Gracie Allen",
        "'When I was drafted I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!' - Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H",
        "'Winston, you are drunk.' - Lady Astor",
        "'Yes my dear, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober' - Winston Churchill",
        "$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 - by which time it will be worth nothing. - Robert A. Heinlein",
        "'... i am nothing if not critical' W. Shakespeare Othello",
        "'A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.'",
        "'Aut vincere aut mori.' Traditional McCabe motto (do or die).",
        "'Because I could not stop for Death - He kindly stopped for me' - From Emily Dickinson's 'Because I could not stop for Death'",
        "'DON'T call me crazy - I've had to go to therapy because I told everyone you were sucked into a board game... Jumanji",
        "'Failure is not falling down, it is not gettnig up again.' Mary Pickford",
        "'Fuck it, he's dead!' Dr. Octagon",
        "'I'll shoot you with my space doo-doo pistol,' Dr. Octagon",
        "'If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts. But if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.' - Francis Bacon",
        "'if the facts don't fit your theory, change the facts' einstein",
        "'It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames' - Harry Hill",
        "'Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools, and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.' -Thornton Wilder",
        "'No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to unchartered land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit.' -- Helen Keller",
        "'Oh crap! There's a horse in the hospital!' Dr. Octagon",
        "'Only when the the last tree has died and the last river has been poisoned and the last fish has been caught will we realise that we can not eat money' - 19th Century Native Aamerican",
        "'Siamese twins don't commit crimes.' (comment during DNA sampling science lesson)",
        "'Talk not of wasted affection. Affection was never wasted.' - Longfellow",
        "'We the unwilling, led by the unknowing have been doing the difficult with little for so long that we are now ready to tackle the impossible with nothing.' -- Local Fire communications reserve volunteer motto",
        "'When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.' -posted on a Tennessee highway",
        "'When you got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.' - Charles W. Colson",
        "640 Kilobytes of computer memory ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981",
        "A critic is a gong at a railroad crossing clanging loudly and vainly as the train goes by. - Christopher Morley",
        "A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright",
        "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - Winston Churchill",
        "A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. - Robert Frost",
        "A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor",
        "A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. - Oscar Wilde",
        "Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Butler Leacock",
        "All that is necessary for the forces of evil to take root in the world is for enough good men to do nothing. - Edmund Burke",
        "Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well-informed about the United States. - J. Bartlett Brebner",
        "Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can. All of them make me laugh. - W.H. Auden",
        "And if you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your night-dress. - Basil Fawlty",
        "And the sea will grant each man new hope, as sleep brings dreams of home. - Christopher Columbus.",
        "Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. - Oscar Wilde",
        "Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak ones. - Charles Caleb Colton",
        "As the island of our knowledge grows, so does the shore of our ignorance. - John Wheeler",
        "Being right too soon is socially unacceptable. - Robert A. Heinlein",
        "Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously! - Nietzsche",
        "Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. - Cyril Connolly",
        "Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving words in evidence of the fact. - George Elliot",
        "Brevity is the soul of lingerie. - Dorothy Parker",
        "Channeling is just bad ventriloquism. You use another voice, but people can see your lips moving. - Penn Jillette",
        "Children should neither be seen nor heard from... ever again. - W. C. Fields",
        "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain",
        "Common sense is that layer of prejudices which we acquire before we are sixteen. - Albert Einstein",
        "Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff - it is a palliative rather than a remedy. - Peter De Vries",
        "Contempt for the things people choose of their own free will is, at its heart, contempt for free will. - James Lileks (09/21/01)",
        "Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training. - Anna Freud",
        "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. Love is the law, love under will. - Aleister Crowley",
        "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. - Mark Twain",
        "Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. - Edmund Gwenn's last words",
        "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - Will Rogers (1879-1935)",
        "Faith, is anything but. [not part of quote-- that is an original of Shaun Micheal Lochhead",
        "For many years I was a self-appointed spectator of snow storms and rain storms, and did my duty faithfully, though I never received one cent for it. -Thoreau",
        "For producing everything out of nothing, one principle is enough (omnibus ex nihil ducendis sufficit unum)",
        "Garlic is to salad what insanity is to art!",
        "God is silent. Now if only man would shut up. - Woody Allen",
        "Have you any idea how successful censorship is on TV? Don't know the answer? Hmm. Successful. Isn't it? - Max Headroom",
        "Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.",
        "I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor",
        "I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown",
        "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres",
        "I do not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. --Voltaire",
        "I don't laugh in death's face. I tend to make belittling comments and snigger behind death's back.",
        "I don't really enjoy sex. I just pretend I do to get girls to sleep with me. - Byron Alley",
        "I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could. - Orson Welles",
        "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve immortality by not dying. - Woody Allen",
        "I feel I cannot successfully express myself without the use of profanity and vulgar and colorful language. - Shaun Lochhead",
        "I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx",
        "I had to stop drinking alcohol because I used to wake up nude in front of my car with my keys in my ass. - Robin Williams",
        "I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence. - Edgar Allen Poe",
        "I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart. - Anne Frank",
        "I love scandals about other people, but scandals about myself don't interest me. They have got no charm of novelty. - Oscar Wilde",
        "I only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. - Scott Adams",
        "I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. - J. Edgar Hoover",
        "I've been in Take That and the Spice Girls... Well, not all of them. (Robbie Williams)",
        "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. - Dave Barry",
        "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. - W.C. Fields",
        "If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? - Will Rogers",
        "Into every life a little rain must fall, but I think someone's mistaken me for Noah. - Allison Raul",
        "Lady Astor: 'If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.'",
        "Winston Churchill: 'Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it!'",
        "Life is like a box of chocolates...a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast, and the taste is fleeting. So you end up with broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is a...is an empty box...filled with useless, brown paper wrappers. - 'Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man,' The X-Files",
        "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. - John Lennon",
        "Loyalty isn't standing by someone when he's right... that's good judgement. Loyalty is standing by someone when he's wrong. - Susan Estrich",
        "Memory isn't the facts, it's just a record you keep to yourself. With the facts, memory is useless. - Guy Pearce in Memento",
        "Millions yearn for immorality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - Susan Ertz",
        "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence. - Napoleon Bonaparte",
        "New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. - David Letterman",
        "Oh, well. She's dead. Let's move on, shall we? - Willy Wonka",
        "Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger. - John Stewart",
        "Quote by Dutch soccer player Johan Cruijff: 'Elk voordeel heb z'n nadeel'. Translated in english it sounds far worse but would be something like: 'Every advantage has its disadvantage'.",
        "Reader, suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself. - Mark Twain",
        "Sincerity is the key. If you can fake that, you've got it made. - George Burns",
        "There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. - Woody Allen",
        "There is a very fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. - Oscar Levant",
        "There is luck in chess. My opponent was lucky that he was playing against an idiot. - Jim Loy",
        "There won't be anything we won't say to people to try and convince them that our way is the way to go. - Bill Gates",
        "There's a lot we should be able to learn from history. And yet history proves that we never do. In fact, the main lesson of history is that we never learn the lessons of history. This makes us look so stupid that few people care to read it. They'd rather not be reminded. Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing. - A. Whitney Brown, The Big Picture",
        "To play table tennis you need four things a ball, paddles, a table and an oponent. From there it is just like regular tennis but with different rules. - Damian Kulash of OkGo",
        "What if this is as good as it gets? -Jack Nicholson in As Good as it Gets",
        "When asked by a reporter what she wore to bed, Marilyn Monroe replied, 'why! Chanel Number 5 of course.'",
        "When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard. Eventually I was an only child. - Steven Wright",
        "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery",
        "You know what would be great? If you figured out what infinity equalled, then you'd be famous. Until some idiot comes by and adds one. - So sayeth Fyre",
        "You really CAN have everything, you just can't have it all at the same time. - Mindy (Mork and Mindy)",
        "'Character is taught at home, but not by a purple dinosaur or big yello bird.' - Jacob White",
        "'Ignore reality. There's nothing you can do about it.' - Natalie Imbruglia",
        "'You're not supposed to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or who says it.' - Malcolm X",
        "'There are two choices in life-Take it or leave it !' Deb Ben",
        "A fight to the death between zombies has a few inherent problems.",
        "A lost property office is for people to return things they find and don't want.",
        "An egotist has one point in his favor - he doesn't go around talking about other people!",
        "An eternity is very, very long, especially towards the end.",
        "Bibles that are falling apart usually belong to people who are not.",
        "Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.",
        "Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.",
        "Comedian: You laugh on the outside, but inside you harbor a bitter resentment toward people who have enough money for food.",
        "Coolsig rules.",
        "Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.",
        "Do not blame others for making you mad. Anger is a choice. Choose wisely.",
        "Don't believe that sort of rubbish, unless you hear it from me",
        "Dont bother wasting your time on people who dont like you",
        "Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.",
        "Either go to hell or die trying.",
        "Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.",
        "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.",
        "Fortune tellers are for the poor. Psychics are for the rich.",
        "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.",
        "I couldn't help but laugh when I saw these words scrawled on the condom machine in a service station Men's Room, 'This gum tastes like rubber!'",
        "If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.",
        "If Lamb Chop married Howdy Doodie her name would be Lamb Doodie - Not too sure",
        "If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you don't live in a small town.",
        "If the eyes are windows to the soul, your smile is the front door.",
        "If you are not ready to die, then the angels coming to guide you home may seem as demons coming to drag you to Hell.",
        "If you dont want the milk to get sour...keep it in the cow",
        "If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.",
        "Important documents will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.",
        "It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.",
        "It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.",
        "It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa.",
        "It's a biiiig mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.",
        "It's a small world. Then the airline loses your luggage.",
        "It's easier to curse a candle than light the darkness.",
        "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.",
        "Laugh and the world laughs with you... Cry, and the world looks sheepish and suddenly remembers it had other plans.",
        "Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean.",
        "Life is a sexually transmitted disease.",
        "Life is a terminal desiese for which there is no vaccination.",
        "Life is a test, and I didn't take very good notes.",
        "Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstyle you like.",
        "Living in fear is the same as fear of living. Either way, you have no life.",
        "Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled. -- short story by Harlan Ellison",
        "Love is like the measles, we all have to go through it.",
        "Mankind is divided into two classes: those who earn their living by the sweat of their brow, and those who sell them handkerchiefs, cold drinks, and electric fans.",
        "money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with.",
        "Mother Teresa once said, �?? The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted.�?�",
        "My son was opening gifts at his 7th birthday party when he came to one with clothes in it. He opened it up, looked at it, then handed it to me. 'Here, Mom, it's laundry,' he said.",
        "No matter how many years pass teachers will always use the word obviously, without ever knowing what it means.",
        "No one can carry on a sane relationship with anyone, because getting involved in a relationship is insane.",
        "No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.",
        "Nothing in life can hurt you except yourself, and of course barbed wire, but thats another story.",
        "One good turn gets most of the blankets.",
        "Only a pessimist complains about the noise when oppurtunity knocks.",
        "Paper is always strongest at the perforations.",
        "People who say 'Don't Postpone Joy' are usually in outrageous credit card debt. - Daniel Casey",
        "People would enjoy life more if, once they got what they wanted, they could remember how much they wanted it.",
        "Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.",
        "Sacred cows make the best burgers.",
        "Sad to think that when the letters 'WWF' are mentioned, most of us think of wrestlers, before the World Wildlife Fund...",
        "Some people are so sensitive they'd feel snubbed if an epidemic overlooked them.",
        "Some people aren't happy unless they're unhappy. -- Joe S. Cline",
        "Sometimes the squeaky wheel doesn't get the grease, it just gets replaced.",
        "Success is when your name is in everything but the phone book.",
        "That which does not kill us only makes us stronger so we may kill others.",
        "The bad guys don't always wear black hats, the good guys rarely win, and the cavalry never, ever shows up just in the nick of time!",
        "The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.",
        "The great thing about living in a small town is when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.",
        "The Lawyer's Creed: 'A man is innocent until proven broke.'",
        "The meaning of life is to give life meaning.",
        "The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.",
        "The trouble with doing something right the first time, is nobody appreciates how difficult it was.",
        "The trouble with learning from experience is that the test comes first and the lesson afterwards.",
        "The trouble with life is, you're half way through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.",
        "The world doesn't just disappear when you close your eyes, does it?",
        "There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and their mother's real age.",
        "They say the grass is greener on the other side, but have you ever flipped it over?",
        "Those who complain about the way the ball bounces, are usually the same ones who dropped it.",
        "Time flies... after you hit the snooze button.",
        "To err is human, to forgive... unlikely.",
        "Viewer discretion may be advised, but it's never really expected.",
        "We can never see ourselves as others see us. Even the mirror shows us in reverse.",
        "We have to belive in free will. We have no choice.",
        "We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over. - Ambrose Bierce",
        "We live in an age where lemons are used to wash dishes, and lemonade is made with artificial flavors",
        "Well behaved women rarely make history.",
        "When confronted with a knock at the door, a stupid man will complain about all the noise, a normal man will answer it, a smart man will look through the peephole and the wise man won't hear it because he's having sex.",
        "When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.",
        "Whoever coined the phrase 'Quiet as a mouse' has never stepped on one.",
        "Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.",
        "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinager... But you can catch even more with dead squirrels.",
        "You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.",
        "You can't tell a book by its movie.",
        "'So tell me, are those cookies made with real Girl Scouts?'",
        "After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?",
        "After heat killed bad germs, where do they go? Obviously not in heaven, since they've been bad. Surely then can't go to hell, for the heat would kill them again(?)...",
        "After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?",
        "Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?",
        "Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?",
        "Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?",
        "Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?",
        "Can I yell MOVIE in a crowded firehouse?",
        "Can you be a closet claustrophobic?",
        "Charlie: I'm not old enough to understand girls. Jasper: Heh, I don' think anybody lives THAT long.",
        "Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?",
        "Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?",
        "Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons because they were created and not born so therefore no umbilical stump to create one?",
        "Did Noah keep his bees in archives?",
        "Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?",
        "Do Amish people get one phone call when arrested?",
        "Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?",
        "Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?",
        "Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?",
        "Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?",
        "Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?",
        "Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? - George Carlin",
        "Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?",
        "Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?",
        "Does a person ever get sick without being tired?",
        "Does Mr. Rogers really want us to be his neighbor?",
        "Does the fountain of youth and the fountain of knowledge come from the same fictitious underground stream?",
        "Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?",
        "Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?",
        "Have you ever wondered what the other side of your bellybutton looks like? Ewww.",
        "How came they call them Tuna fish but not beef mammal or chicken bird?",
        "How can a black cow eat green grass yet give white milk?",
        "How can someone draw a blank?",
        "How can something be 'new and improved'? If it's new what was it improving on?",
        "How can there be a limited lifetime warranty?",
        "How can there be self-help GROUPS?",
        "How can you be ALONE with somebody? Think about it...",
        "How come in Scooby Doo Fred and Daphne were always on the same team and Velma, Scooby and Shaggy were always on the same team? Doesn't seem quite right now that you think about it, does it?",
        "How come in the Star Wars movie 'The Phantom Menance' I didn't see any Phantoms? Then I realised there wasn't any stars at war either. - The Distorted One",
        "How come on the show 'Family Matters' two of the kids just dissappeard... they were there one season and gone the next... makes you wonder if family really does matter?",
        "How come the bullets that work are fired, and the ones that don't work are not?",
        "How come when you are driving through a neighborhood looking for an address, you turn the radio down?",
        "How come wrong numbers are never busy?",
        "How do 'Do Not Walk On Grass' signs get there?",
        "How do I set my laser printer on stun?",
        "how do the skittle company people know what a rainbow tastes like?",
        "How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?",
        "How do you get off a non-stop flight?",
        "How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?",
        "How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?",
        "How do you know when yogurt goes bad?",
        "How do you remove a club soda stain?",
        "How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?",
        "How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?",
        "How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?",
        "How is it possible to have a civil war?",
        "How much would they pay the matador if the bull had no horns?",
        "If 7-11 is open 24-7 and 365 days a year why do they have locks on their doors?",
        "If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?",
        "If a cigarette smoker wakes up from a 7-year coma, does he want a cigarette?",
        "If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?",
        "If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?",
        "If a sheep is called a ram, and a donkey's called an ass, then why is a ram up the ass called a goose?",
        "If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?",
        "If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?",
        "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?",
        "If a tree falls on a mime in the forest, does anyone care?",
        "If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?",
        "If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?",
        "If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?",
        "If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?",
        "If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?",
        "If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?",
        "If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?",
        "If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?",
        "If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?",
        "If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?",
        "If God created everything who created God?",
        "If God dropped acid, would he see people?",
        "If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, ...how cold will it be?",
        "If it's called a boxing RING, then why are they square?",
        "If knees were backward, what would chairs look like?",
        "If knowledge is power and power corrupts, doesn't knowledge corrupt?",
        "If knowledge is power, and power corrupts, and corruption is crime, and crime doesnt pay... Does knowledge, in the end, leave you broke?",
        "If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?",
        "If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?",
        "If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?",
        "If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? - And if so, aren't we all masochists?",
        "If Mike Brady was supposed to be this groovy architect, why did he force SIX kids into TWO bedrooms?",
        "If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?",
        "If Mr. & Mrs. Howell were so dang rich, why were they taking a cheap tour on a the S.S. Minnow?",
        "If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?",
        "If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?",
        "If our legs were hinged the other way, what would furniture look like?",
        "If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who's the idiot that said: Quit while you're ahead?",
        "If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?",
        "If Snow White and Cinderella both married Prince Charming, did they marry the same guy?",
        "If superman can block bullets with his chest then why did he duck when a gun was thrown at him?",
        "If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?",
        "If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?",
        "If the only thing to survive a plane crash is the black box, why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?",
        "If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?",
        "If they're psychic and I need them so much, why don't they just phone me?",
        "If variety is the spice of life, why do we use cinnamon?",
        "If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?",
        "If we are here on earth to help others, what on earth are the others here for?",
        "If we find life on other planets, what would happen to the Miss Universe pageant?",
        "If we're not supposed to eat late-night snacks, why is there a light in the refrigerator?",
        "If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?",
        "If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?",
        "If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?",
        "If you get wrapping paper for a present, how do you know when to stop unwrapping?",
        "If you had a million Shakespeare's, would they write like a monkey?",
        "If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?",
        "If you saw with a sawhorse, do you seesaw with a seahorse?",
        "If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?",
        "If you try to fail, and then succeed, what've you really done?",
        "If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?",
        "If your clone kills you, is that suicide?",
        "In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?",
        "In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so?",
        "Is a metaphor like a simile?",
        "Is Lever 2000 soap Y2K compliant?",
        "Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?",
        "Is there another word for synonym?",
        "May I refuse to inherit the earth?",
        "On Gilligan's Island, if the professor could build a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?",
        "Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?",
        "Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?",
        "Shouldn't the cosmic stupidity hopper be empty by now?",
        "Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?",
        "Was today really necessary?",
        "What are Preparation A through Preparation G?",
        "What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?",
        "What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?",
        "What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?",
        "What does the hotcake seller say when his hotcakes are selling quickly?",
        "What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?",
        "What happened to the first 6 'ups'?",
        "What happens if you get scared half to death twice?",
        "What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?",
        "What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?",
        "What if there were no hypothetical questions?",
        "What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?",
        "What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?",
        "What the heck is a near-miss? If you nearly miss something, don't you hit it?",
        "What was the best thing before sliced bread?",
        "What year did Jesus think it was?",
        "What's the speed of dark?",
        "When it rains, how come cows don't knock on the farmer's door and say, 'Hey, let us in, we're all wearing leather out here!'",
        "When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?",
        "When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? - George Carlin",
        "When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?",
        "Whenever you're holding all the cards, why does everyone else turn out to be playing chess?",
        "Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath?",
        "Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?",
        "Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?' - George Carlin",
        "Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?",
        "Who let the dogs out? - Baha Men",
        "Who's cruel idea was is to put the 's' in lisp?",
        "Why are haemorrhoids called 'haemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?",
        "Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?",
        "Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?",
        "why are they called appartments if they are stuck together?",
        "Why aren't there ever any GUILTY bystanders?",
        "Why can't you make another word using all the letters in 'anagram'?",
        "Why did Mr. & Mrs. Howell pack so much clothing for a three hour tour?",
        "Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?",
        "Why do doctors call what they do practice?",
        "Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?",
        "Why do gas staions lock there bathrooms? Are they afraid that someone is going to clean them?",
        "Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?",
        "Why do hotdogs' come in a package 12 and the hotdog rolls come in a package of 8?",
        "Why Do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?",
        "Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?",
        "Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?",
        "Why do skydivers wear helmets?",
        "Why do they call it instant credit when it actually means instant debt?",
        "Why do they call it life insurance?",
        "Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? - George Carlin",
        "Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?",
        "Why do they report power outages on TV? - George Carlin",
        "Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?",
        "Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?",
        "Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?",
        "Why do we say that an alarm goes 'off?'",
        "Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?",
        "Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?",
        "Why does bottled water have an expiration date?",
        "Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green?",
        "why is ice always colder than popsicles?",
        "Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?",
        "Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?",
        "Why is it that night falls but day breaks?",
        "Why is it that normal people are the ones you don't know?",
        "Why is it that whe our kids are naughty we ask 'do you want a spanking?' What are they going to say, 'Yes please, may I have two?'...",
        "Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?",
        "Why is it that when we ship something by truck, it's called a shipment but if we send something by ship, it's called cargo?",
        "Why is it that when you are on the telephone, writing furiously and holding a finger up to tell the person who just came into your office to hold on a second, they ask: Do you have a minute?",
        "Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts but have to put in your two cents worth?",
        "Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?",
        "Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?",
        "Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?",
        "Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?",
        "Why is there only one monopolies and mergers commission?",
        "With interactive TV will I be able to slap Rush Limbaugh?",
        "'A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.' - Bert Leston Taylor",
        "'A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time. When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, The one I feed the most.' (George Bernard Shaw)",
        "'I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jolier than the people who have to wait for them.' - E.V. Lucas",
        "'If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.' - Edith Wharton",
        "'Just say no' prevents teenage pregnancy the way 'Have a nice day' cures chronic depression.",
        "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.",
        "'We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.'",
        "A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. - Herbert Prochnow",
        "A classic is a book that is much praised yet rarely read.",
        "A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.",
        "A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.",
        "A gentle stream can split a mountain, given enough time.",
        "A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.",
        "A king's castle is his home.",
        "A language is a dialect with an army.",
        "A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.",
        "A rose by any other name would still attract aphids.",
        "A rumour without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.",
        "A self-addressed envelope would be addressed 'envelope'.",
        "A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.",
        "A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.",
        "A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of coloured ribbon. - Napoleon Boneparte",
        "A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.",
        "A watched clock never boils.",
        "A wishbone has never taken place of a backbone.",
        "A word to the wise is unnecessary. - La Rouchefoucauld",
        "All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.",
        "An artist avails himself to both the darkness and the light. A brave artist swims in the same water in which the personality of the psychotic drowns.",
        "Anarchy is better than no government at all.",
        "Anybody can quit smoking. It takes a real man to fight lung cancer!",
        "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.",
        "As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.",
        "Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.",
        "Buy one for the price of two and get another one free!",
        "Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!",
        "Camels have 3 eyelids.",
        "Celibacy is not hereditary.",
        "Champagne for my true friends and true pain for my sham friends!",
        "Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population is growing.",
        "Constant change is here to stay",
        "Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live, taking the form of readiness to die. - G.K. Chesterton",
        "Crazy people who are productive are geniuses. Crazy people who are rich are eccentric. But crazy people who are neither productive nor rich are just crazy.",
        "DEATH to all fanatics.",
        "Did you ever notice that in commercials advertising psychics, they're always going on and on about what the caller already knows? What good is that to anyone?",
        "Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.",
        "Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.",
        "Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.",
        "Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.",
        "Everyone wants a bus service to their door, but no one wants a bus service in their street.",
        "Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.",
        "Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered and no one was there.",
        "George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.",
        "Half the people you know are below average.",
        "How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.",
        "How to become immortal: Read this signature tomorrow and follow its advice.",
        "I know it sounds like I'm in denial, but I'm not.",
        "I started out with nothing... I still have most of it.",
        "I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through...",
        "I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.",
        "I've worn contact lenses so long I can put them in with my eyes closed.",
        "Idiots of a feather, flock together.",
        "If a cat has nine lives does that mean the ones that get run over were already on their ninth life?",
        "If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?",
        "If a duck only has 1 leg, does he swim in circles?",
        "If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled?",
        "If an infinite number of rednecks in the back of an infinite number of pickup trucks shoot an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce a complete version of Hamlet in braille.",
        "If beauty is only skin deep, I must be inside out!",
        "If everything tastes like chicken, what does chicken taste like?",
        "If I get male pattern baldness, I'd like zig-zags please.",
        "If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?",
        "If James Bond was an Amish spy, he would drink buttermilk. Shaken not churned.",
        "If swimming is so good for you why are whales so fat?",
        "If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?",
        "If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so simple we couldn't understand.",
        "If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.",
        "If there was any logic in this world, it would be men who ride side-saddle, not women.",
        "If Tiger lost his woods, would that be an example of irony?",
        "If tomorrow never comes, then, you're dead.",
        "If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.",
        "If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?",
        "If we had cheese, we could make a ham and cheese sandwhich... If we had ham...",
        "If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!",
        "If you can read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence 'If you read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence' - Twice!",
        "If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.",
        "Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.",
        "In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take prozac to make it normal.",
        "It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.",
        "It takes one tree to make 10,000 matches, but one match to burn 10,000 trees.",
        "Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink. - Shunryu Suzuki Roshi",
        "Long periods of drought are always followed by rain.",
        "Looking for enlightenment is like looking for a flashlight, when all you need the flashlight for is to find the flashlight.",
        "Love letters, business contracts and money always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.",
        "Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.",
        "Man must exist in a state of balance between risk and safety. Pure risk leads to self-destruction. Pure safety leads to stagnation. In between lies survival and progress.",
        "Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.",
        "My mother and I were talking about my dog's food, and I mentioned it smelled like pork. 'I wonder why it smells like pork,' said my mom. It was pork...",
        "No two persons ever read the same book.",
        "Only in America do we have drive up ATM's with braile on them.",
        "Pandemonium was a word invented by Lewis Carroll, naming the capital of Hell.",
        "People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.",
        "People don't see the world as it is, but as they are.",
        "People who say, 'Never give up' can never accept the inevitable.",
        "People will believe anything if you whisper it.",
        "Projecting empaths - You gotta feel sorry for them.",
        "Rehab is for quitters.",
        "Roget's Thesaurus rules, dominates, regulates, OK, all right, adequately.",
        "Science is everything we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. - David Knuth",
        "Silence is not always golden... sometimes it is yellow.",
        "Some people have a way with words, others not have way.",
        "Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.",
        "Stopping at third base adds no more runs than striking out. - Unknown",
        "Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a seat has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.",
        "That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.",
        "The 'Psychic Friends Network' went out of business... didn't they see it coming?",
        "The 'Oxtail Soup' beverage offered as an option on drink vending machines is simply a way of disposing of the miscellaneous liquids that collect in the drip tray.",
        "The biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.",
        "The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.",
        "The food that you get in art museums is institutional revenge for the art that you get in restaurants.",
        "The future ain't what it used to be.",
        "The future has many names: for the fearful it's the unknown, for the reckless it's the adventure, for the pessimists it's the unattainable. For the brave, it is opportunity.",
        "The Moral Majority is neither.",
        "The more you cry, the less you have to pee.",
        "The one who swims against the stream knows the strength of it.",
        "The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'!",
        "The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.",
        "The only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys.",
        "The only people to get even with are those that have helped you.",
        "The Romans didn't find algebra very challenging, because X was always 10.",
        "The smallest good deed is better than the greatest intention.",
        "The sum of society's intelligence is less than the average of it's individual parts.",
        "Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.",
        "Time is money, money is the root of all evil, and knowledge is power. Therefore, procrastination is the key to world peace.",
        "To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.",
        "Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people. - Giordano Bruno",
        "War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.",
        "What could be worse than having climbed the ladder of success, only to find it is against the wrong wall.",
        "What's he so angry for? All i did was accidentaly run over his dog. Except change 'accidentaly' with 'repeatedly' and 'dog' with 'son'.",
        "Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.",
        "Why aren't there any nuts or grapes in grape nuts?",
        "You ARE what you eat.",
        "You know what? I'm glad I'm not a laboratory animal. Do you have any idea how many of those little bastards get cancer?",
        "Zen meditation isn't what you think...",
        "Kn@Kn@ want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don't like pizza?",
        "Hi, my name is Milk and I will do your body good",
        "How do you like your eggs, fried, scrambled, or fertilized?",
        "I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?",
        "I lost my puppy, can you help me find it? I think it went into that cheap motel room.",
        "I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you instead?",
        "I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed rock!",
        "I need a place to blot my lipstick. Can I use your lips?",
        "I worked at a cardboard factory about a year ago with a very strange group of guys....These are just a few of the musings that kept the day interesting: 'What's the difference between a duck' 'Do you pack your lunch or walk to work?' 'Is it farther to Miami than by bus?'",
        "I'd buy you a drink, but I'd be jealous of the straw",
        "I'd like to be reincarnated as one of your tears, because I'd be born in your eyes, live on your face, and die on your lips.",
        "I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.",
        "I have to do is be at home. And that won't be hard - I live at home!' - Aaron (your humble moderator)",
        "'I am an insomniac, so I was really excited when I was able to get a full night's sleep. I said to a friend, 'Just keep your fingers crossed that I get lucky again tonight!' Realizing what I said, I tried to correct it and said, 'No, I mean, I just hope that I get some tonight!' After that, I decided to shut up.' - Julie, USA.",
        "'I could charge you with sexual assault, but I won't if you sleep with me.' - Marian to Byron",
        "'I just hate it when people ask me food and I have questions in my mouth!' - Ellie B",
        "'Need something to do honey? Go make yourself useless in the kitchen' - Meg (an oh-so-loving father to his daughter while preparing Christmas dinner)",
        "'So what is the orgasm? (instead of organism) I don't like that white stuff all over my floor.' (Talking about the fringes on paper from a spiral notebook) Said by my Cellular Bio teacher. We laughed forever. He is 22.",
        "'There are 2 ways to do it - my way and the right way' - my sleep deprived sister",
        "'There's something in this room that makes you can't speak well.' - Gill, 3/2/98",
        "'When you hand in your paper, don't just barf out your information on your page. Pick out the juicy tidbits, arrange them carefully on the sheet, and then hand it in to me.' -- My Junior High Teacher",
        "'You're both a couple of idiots' - Byron while eating ice cream with a baguette.",
        "'I feel like I should have a great idea right now. But I don't.' - Noam",
        "'I like my baked potatoes with just a little bit of... nothing.'",
        "'If I were straight, I wouldn't do it.' Cody talking to his parents and meant to say 'I'm straight and I wouldn't do it.'",
        "'Whoops...spell checker must have missed that one' (my 8th grader science teacher when we pointed out several errors on her sheet of hand written notes)",
        "(when answering the phone and realizing it was his supervisor asking to come in to work) 'this isn't me... it's my brother'",
        "A case where the mouth can't keep up with the brain: I was talking to my mother and I was bored so I said 'I think I'll put the ditheth in the dithwather.' That 'th' sound just took contol!",
        "A co-worker had herbal cough drops that had Echinacea in them, and when she offered me one during a coughing fit, she said 'do you want one of these new cough drops with euthenasia in it?' um, thanks, I'll pass....",
        "A few years back in Leadership Class, a friend of mine was put in charge of creating the annual leadership t-shirt. When he asked the teachers how soon they wanted the shirts, the teacher replied, 'ASAP.' To which my friend replied, 'But when?'",
        "A friend (from out of town) and I were sitting in a resteraunt, and I had my suspicions that she had a crush on a friend of mine she'd met a few days earlier. I got really brave and said (without thinking, as per usual), 'You want him, I can tell by the way you're looking at me!' And of course she gave me the *weirdest* look and we both started cracking up...the conversation went downhill from there...",
        "A friend and I were discussing how often we get paid, weekly or bi-weekly. Ross, one of our friends, said that he gets paid 'nightly.' The teacher walked in and said, 'Yeah, but a nickel doesn't go as far as it used to.'",
        "A friend and I were sitting in class and she pointed out that the guy in front of me had a piece of trash sticking out of his waistband. I said loudly, 'Chris, you have something in your pants!'",
        "A friend of mine has recently been diagnosed with asthma. She had forgot her medicine and been wheezing all night. The next day as we went to lunch, she said she had a pain in her abdomen. As we passed the human resources department, I said 'of course it hurts, you were straining your diaphragm all night long.'",
        "A friend of mine was admiring a picture created by another deceased friend when she asked,' Was that done while she was alive?'",
        "A friend of mine was at a drive-thru window with a carload of buddies (all were under the influence of pot) and said something that ended up being extremely funny to the other stoned people. So, as the drive-thru girl is asking them what they want, all that you can hear in the car is raucous laughter. So the driver of the car turns around to his passengers and yells, loud enough for the girl to hear and then some, 'GUYS, SHUT THE HELL UP, OR SHE'LL KNOW WE'RE ON DRUGS!!'",
        "A friend of mine was on a date with her boyfriend and meaning to order oil and vinegar dressing, he accidentally asked for vinegar and water dressing. Without blinking the waiter asked 'would you like any other feminine hygiene products on your salad, sir?' - Taylor",
        "A friend of mine was studying a map and trying to concentrate on figuring out where we were, looked up and with complete seriousness, said, 'We're not too far from where we are.'",
        "A friend was describing a concept for class, and not doing well, because he was just using the same long terms we didn't understand in the first place. After he completed his speech, I said, 'And now would someone like to translate that for those of us that aren't on crack?' My group laughed for a good 10 minutes.",
        "A friend's husband had a student in his class on social Darwinism submit the entire final exam about the 'survival of the fetus'. - Jessie Powell",
        "A male friend of mine and I were sitting in the high school auditorium, listening to a particularly lengthy lecture by a guest speaker. It had been two hours already, and my freind whispered (loudly enough to be heard over the speaker) to me: 'I'm feeling a little stiff.' Since we both have perverted minds, I began to giggle at the inuendo I percieved from that comment. To make matters worse, a teacher nearby hissed: 'Keep it down!' That was too much, as both my friend and I burst out laughing. We had to be escorted from the auditorium, and the speaker glared at us as we left, thinking we were laughing at her. We still laugh about it. -The Psyco Cat-Girl",
        "A very good friend of mine, when I first met her, telling me what types of things she liked to do. I met her at a Center for Talented Youth. 'I like music. Especially, you know, the kind you listen to.'",
        "Actual note from parents to teacher (including original spelling) : Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and couldn't breed.",
        "After a long, panicked email about the upcoming disasters of Y2K, the sun cycles, and environmental woes, my daughter added as a P.S. 'how long does canned ravioli last?'",
        "After coming home from a long trip, I was really excited to call my best friend, Shauna. It was a habit for me to count the number of rings it took before the person on the other end answered the phone, so when she answered after the second ring, I yelled, 'THREE!' Needless to say, I soiled myself.",
        "After faxing an invoice to a customer, I told her that her invoice was sexually transmitted. What I meant to say was that her invoice was successfully transmitted. oops!",
        "After the keynote speaker at a high school academic awards ceremony had sat down, our guidance counselor stood up at the mike and says 'After hearing that speech, I've got a gret big halleluyah welling up inside of me, that'll probably come out tonight when I'm rolling around in bed.' Being high schoolers, of course we thought this was hilarious, and it certainly didn't help that our parents were all sitting next to us . . .",
        "An ex (at the time she was my 'current', of course) and I were watching one of the Airplane movies. In one scene Ethel Merman launches into song... my ex turned to me and in total seriousness asked 'I wonder if she was alive when she was in this movie...'",
        "And another thing, young man... Don't you dare look at me in that tone of voice! - (I said this to my 13-year old son the other day when he was sassing off to me)",
        "Are there any Protestants left? - my friend Whitney during social studies class",
        "As we were driving uphill I said to my son, 'my ears are popping'. He replied, 'can I hear?'",
        "At an academic competition, a proctor said, after reading the question, 'a) the heterozygote progeny of the orgasm would be Aa.' Not realizing what he said until after all 1300 of us were cracking up. The next question very few schools answered correctly. He then said 'Apparently everyone was too busy thinking about their personal lives after that last question.'",
        "At an executive committee meeting, one of the trainers was speaking about how women are oppressed in many ways. When the male trainer was speaking, he forgot that she was there. She said, 'Oh, I see...I'm just a face. I'm just big breasts.' She actually meant to say that she is oppressed. We still tease her about it.",
        "At camp one year, we were divided up into teams to play capture the flag. The games leader then said, 'Now, after you all get your white piece of sheet...'",
        "At my house, celebrating Y2K, there was another person who had the same name as me, so when my friend asked 'Noah, what game are you playing' I responed 'Which me?'",
        "Barbara Walters was on the David Letterman show last week. She was discussing her upcoming interview with Monica Lewinsky. She was referring to Monica's low key lifestyle now. Ms. Walters says she just stays inside, knits, 'and hasn't opened her mouth in the last year, at least to talk.' Her comment left Letterman dumfounded and a very red Ms. Walters.",
        "Does that mean they have more numbers as well? (This was said by my friend Kathy when told that the Danish language has more letters in it than English!)",
        "During a recent check up with my Cardiologist... He asked, 'Have you noticed your heart beating too hard, too fast or skipping any beats? To which I excitedly answered... 'Oh, no Doc, it's been ticking along just like a climax!' Instantly in shock at what had escaped my mouth, I said... 'Omg! Doc, I meant to say a ticking along just like a timex!",
        "Every time I hear that phone, it's ringing. - Heather (from Kelsey)",
        "Everyone just shit down and shut up!! My food science teacher.",
        "From my medical school professor regarding sexually transmitted diseases, 'Not only can they be spread longitudinally among a population, but also horizontally.'",
        "'Bob?' asked Steve, 'Jim', Frank replied.",
        "'Ever wonder if the light goes out when you close the fridge door? Well, yes it does.' - the milk",
        "'I reckon them thar are the new souls.' - Hellbillies",
        "'I see' said the blind man to his deaf dog as he pissed into the wind. 'It's all coming back to me now.'",
        "'Invisible Dave and Pelican Bob think that they are real people, but they are actually only figments of my imagination.' - Larry the Emu",
        "'My duck does a wonderful trick. It can lay an egg.' (What's so wonderful about that?) 'Well... can you lay an egg?' --Shirley Temple",
        "'SPOOOOOOON!' - the Tick",
        "'The quality of my life would be greatly reduced if I did not have nostrils.' - 'Weird Al' Yankovic",
        "'You can't go saying 'everybody's got a waterbuffalo!' Everyone does NOT have a waterbuffallo! We're going to get nasty letters saying 'Where's MY waterbuffallo? Why don't I have a waterbuffallo?' Are you perpared to deal with that? I didn't think so!' --Archibald Asparagus",
        "'Did you sleep well?' 'No, I made a couple of mistakes.' - Steve Wright",
        "'He's worse off than a wet mongoose in three feet of gravy!' - Robert",
        "'I've also got a 4-string [stunt kite].' - Noam 'So can you kill people with it?' - Aaron",
        "'If you're so evil, why don't you... EAT THIS KITTEN!' 'mew!' 'No way, Mister... that's just WRONG!' - The Tick",
        "'Would you prefer if I made bad puns from the floor?' - Gordon, while sitting on someone's bed making puns.",
        "A corpse is a corpse, of course, of course, and no-one can talk to a corpse, of course. That is, of course, unless the corpse is the famous Mr. Dead!",
        "A horse is a horse, of course, of course, He follows a lifestyle we don't endorse. He drinks the blood of a sheep by force, The vampire horse, Count Ed.",
        "A murmur ran through the court and before the bailiff could grab it, then it jumped up and bit judge Webster on the nose.",
        "Alas, poor kiroY. I knew him backwards.",
        "Attention: There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.",
        "But then John said to himself, 'Frank, your name isn't Louis!'",
        "Debate politics with a fern. If you lose, refuse to water it.",
        "Every child has many wishes. Some include a wallet, two chicks and a cigar, but that's another story.",
        "For the next 60 seconds, I will conduct a test of my emergency broadcast equipment. AAAAHHHHH!!! Had this been a real emergency, the scream you just heard would be followed by lots more just like it. This concludes My test of my emergency broadcast equipment. - Calvin, 'Calvin & Hobbes.'",
        "Give a man a match and he'll be warm for an hour... Set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.",
        "God Made Us Brothers, But Prozac Made Us Friends.",
        "Happiness is like peeing yourself. Everybody can see it but only you can feel its warmth.",
        "He's dead... But look! Hundreds of bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up in string! Someone was after a few of this guy's favorite things.",
        "Hope is NOT a thing with feathers, the thing with feathers is my nephew, and I have to take him to a specialist in Zurich. - Woody Allen",
        "How mad would a wood chuck get if a big neon pink Koala bear named Ishtar ran into the woods and chucked all the wood before the woodchuck could?",
        "How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that? What the ... - a fly.",
        "Humpty Dumpty was pushed!",
        "I can bend minds with my spoon.",
        "I had a flat tire and so went to get a spare at a gas station and the attendant looks at me and asks 'did you get a flat?' 'No, I was just driving along and the other three just swelled up on me!' with out missing a beat he says 'well, they'll do that.'",
        "I used to drive down the long highways, throwing tomatoes out the window yelling, 'Hooray for the spicy chipmunk!'",
        "If a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a half in a minute and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?",
        "If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!",
        "If the circumference of a circle is the distance around the edge of it, and the diameter is the distance through that same circle, how many licks does it take to get to the centre of a tootsie roll toastie pop?",
        "If Train A leave San Francisco at 8:30am EST travelling 25mph and Train B leaves Chicago at 1:30pm MST travelling at 40mph, and they're 3000 miles apart when they start, what is the capitol of Bulgaria?",
        "If you look deeply emough into any person's soul, you can see the emu within them struggling to get out. Actually, most people don't have emus in their soul. Just me. - Invisible Dave, Lady of Emus",
        "If you're flying down the highway, and your wings fall off your boat how many pancakes can you stack on top of a green doghouse?",
        "If you're standing on your head, and you pull your pants down, is that really such a bad thing?",
        "In space, no one can hear your teddy bear scream.",
        "Ladies and gentleman, hoboes and tramps, cross-eyed mosquitoes, and bowlegged ants. I stand here before you, not behind you, to tell you something I know nothing about. Last night about 6:00 this morning, an empty truck loaded with bricks almost killed my dead cat. We rushed him to the hospital, slow as we could, only to find King Arthur, sitting at the fourth corners of the round table eating vinegar with a fork.",
        "Life's short and hard, kind of like a bodybuilding elf.",
        "Most Annoying thing to McDonald's employees: I would like a plain cheeseburger with with ketchup and no cheese.",
        "No-one suspects the butterfly!",
        "Nuclear Fission is nice, but none of the really cosmic breakthroughs can hope to surpass the utility and availability of the white 5-gallon plastic bucket. - J. Taylor Buckley",
        "Okay, Okay, so you won't go out with me unless I was the last man on earth ... what if you were a purple frog and I was a green cow? Okay , still no .... What if I had wings, too ?",
        "On the back of Midol, it says 'do not take if you have painful urination due to enlarged prostates.' Well i'll be darned!- Jessica W.",
        "One bright day, in the middle of the night, two dead boys stood up to fight. Back to back, they faced each other. Drew their swords, and shot each other. The deaf policeman heard the sound, and put those boys back in the ground. If you don't believe this lie is true, ask Harry the blind man, he saw it, too.",
        "One shining day in the midle of the night, the river Torrens caught alight The blind man saw, the deaf man heard, the dumb man phoned the fire brigade. The fire brigade, drawn by six dead horses, ran over a dead cat and half killed it, and arrived at the fire ten minutes before it started and put it out with petrol and kerosene. The man with no legs walked off in disgust...",
        "Over and over I find being redundant is key to success in the art of redundancy - Jay Armstrong",
        "personally... i would build a gremlin trap... bait it with dirty socks or something.. then you could sell them to the zoo... i would go to the zoo to see gremlins...",
        "Sanity is not my strong point. -Pelican Bob",
        "Sex is always better on Tuesdays.",
        "Small, green leafy bodies, long tongues drooling over sharp incisors, they weren't human, they were brussel sprouts, killer brussel sprouts.",
        "So what if the undead and zombie walk slow? They'll catch up eventually.;0",
        "Some artists work in oils, some work in clay. I prefer Jello.",
        "Some of my colleagues think that the chemicals we are experimenting with could potentially cause brain damage, however I think that fish crunchy bits of salami my new red hippie noodle. Naked pool frogs?",
        "Sometimes I have a difficult time handling myself in social situations. I just start scampering around neurotically, frantically jumping all over guests. I think it all goes back to when I was raised in the wild by miniature schnauzers.",
        "Sometimes I wish there was an evil bug infestation in town. Then I could go and beat the crap out of them, and be a hero or something. It'd also probably be good for stress relief. Yeah, we could probably hire some of them to get beat up by really messed up people, like me.",
        "Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so would an 80 lb. carrot.",
        "Therapy is expensive but bubble wrap is free.",
        "There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. - Groundskeeper Willie",
        "This is the nineties, you don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.",
        "Tonight there is a meeting of the ladies club for men only. Admission free, pay at the door, pull up a chair and sit on the floor. The next meeting will be held at the four corners of the round table.",
        "When I was in Jr. High, I had a music teacher that let the class pick the music for the last day of school. Well it being the 80's we picked Panama by Van Halen. The beginning of the song starts out - 'Reach down between my legs and ease the seat back'. Well she had never heard the song before and clicked off the tape player before 'ease the seat back' and all of us had shocked expressions when she screamed out 'What is this, porography?' Needless to say we all ran for dictionaries that day and still laugh about it when we hear the song.",
        "When I'm feeling down, I like to eat a bucket of fried chicken in front of a Jenny Craig Outlet.",
        "Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.",
        "Yes, it was big. And ugly. And smelly. But none of that was important, because it was my big, ugly, smelly thing that I had found at the landfill and no one could take it away from me. Unless they felt like it.",
        "My grandpa told me to remember two things in life. Look out for Number One and remember your number - Orville Cogswell",
        "A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.",
        "A Nobel Peace Prize? I would KILL for one of those.",
        "All right! I know I'm in there! If I don't come out with my hands up, I'm coming in after me!",
        "An egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.",
        "Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.",
        "As far as I'm concerned, there won't be a Beatles reunion as long as John Lennon remains dead.",
        "As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep quiet.",
        "As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.",
        "As I said before, I never repeat myself.",
        "Do not disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed in the first place.",
        "Fear not my insanity, fear the mind it protects.",
        "Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.",
        "Give me ambiguity or give me something else.",
        "Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over!",
        "I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.",
        "I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.",
        "I always win. Except when I lose, but then I just don't count it.",
        "I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.",
        "I am having an out of money experience.",
        "I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.",
        "I am the one your parents warned you about.",
        "I am the world's greatest authority on my own opinion.",
        "I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.",
        "I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.",
        "I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.",
        "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.",
        "I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.",
        "I can lead you to the water but I can't let you drink.",
        "I can resist everything except temptation.",
        "I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...",
        "I date this girl for two years - and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.'",
        "I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too.",
        "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.",
        "I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.",
        "I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.",
        "I don't like to lose be bearings, so I keep them in a cabinet by my bed.",
        "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.",
        "I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.",
        "I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not.",
        "I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.",
        "I figure I'm pretty good with the B.S. but I love listening to an expert. Keep talking.",
        "I filled out an application that said 'In Case Of Emergency Notify:' I wrote 'Doctor'... What's my mother going to do?",
        "I finally realized what I should have done with my life. I should have been a consultant, specializing in hindsight.",
        "I go to bed early. My favourite dream starts at nine.",
        "I hate to spread rumours, but what else can you do with them.",
        "I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.",
        "I have an 8-track mind in a DVD world.",
        "I have an open mind - it's just closed for repairs.",
        "I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.",
        "I have no problem with you talking to yourself, just as long as it doesn't turn into an argument.",
        "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Andy Rooney",
        "I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!",
        "I intend to live forever - so far, so good.",
        "I just got lost in thought... It was unfamiliar territory.",
        "I know exactly what I think about all this, but I can never find words to put it in. Maybe if I get a little drunk I could dance it for you.",
        "I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.",
        "I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people that annoy me.",
        "I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.",
        "I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.",
        "I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.",
        "I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy.",
        "I may be inconsistent, but not all the time.",
        "I may rise, but I refuse to shine!",
        "I need my sinuses like I need a hole in the head.",
        "I never watch Sesame Street, I know most of that stuff.",
        "I once thought I made a mistake, but I was wrong.",
        "I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.",
        "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.",
        "I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.",
        "I say no to drugs, They just don't listen...",
        "I snore. I don't care. I don't have to. I'm ASLEEP.",
        "I started out with nothing... I still have most of it.",
        "I stayed in a really, really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.",
        "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.",
        "I think I've found the trouble with our economy. There are far more ways to get into debt than there are to get out of it.",
        "I took an IQ test and the results were negative.",
        "I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.",
        "I tried to wrestle my demons once... but they used too many illegal holds.",
        "I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.",
        "I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.",
        "I used to be Snow White... but I drifted.",
        "I used to have a handle on life. Then it broke.",
        "I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed...",
        "I used to use cliches all the time but now I avoid them like the plague.",
        "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.",
        "I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. They put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.",
        "I want to live forever or die in the attempt.",
        "I was going to be a police officer, but I decided to finish high school instead.",
        "I was going to change the world but I couldn't find a babysitter.",
        "I was sitting in the lap of luxury - and then luxury stood up.",
        "I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the guy next to me.",
        "I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, 'the whole time.'",
        "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.",
        "I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.",
        "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.",
        "I went to a restaurant that was so expensive that they didn't have prices on the menu - just little faces with varying expressions of horror.",
        "I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.",
        "I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.",
        "I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.",
        "I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think: Hey, maybe I wrote that.",
        "I'd like to change my current living situation. Does anyone know where I can get a Stealth bomber?",
        "I'd rather be in a boat with a drink on the rocks than in the drink with a boat on the rocks.",
        "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.",
        "I'll listen to logic and reason when it comes out on CD.",
        "I'll never be satisfied until I'm too smart for my own good.",
        "I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.",
        "I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself, so if I get back before I return, please ask me to wait.",
        "I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.",
        "I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.",
        "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.",
        "I'm serious. It was a joke.",
        "I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.",
        "I'm the leader. Which way did they go?",
        "I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.",
        "I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.",
        "I've always wanted to be somebody. Next time I'll be more specific. - Lily Tomlin",
        "I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.",
        "I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.",
        "I've gotta be me - everyone else was already taken.",
        "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?",
        "If I only had one tooth, I think I would brush it a real long time.",
        "If I want your opinion... I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.",
        "If love makes the world go 'round, why can't I save a few bucks and get it to run my car?",
        "If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.",
        "If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?",
        "In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'cut it out!'",
        "In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.",
        "It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full, what matters is whats in it, and if it tastes good!",
        "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.",
        "It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.",
        "Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I",
        "Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought 'Where the hell is the ceiling?'",
        "Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts!",
        "My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.",
        "My mind has always been my Achilles heel.",
        "My phone number is 17. We got one of the early ones.",
        "Of all the things I've loved and lost, I miss my mind the most.",
        "Of course I can keep secrets--it's the people I tell them to who can't keep them.",
        "Of course I'm arrogant. The best usually are.",
        "Optimists may say the glass is half-full, and pessimists may say the glass is half-empty. Well, I say the glass is too damn big!",
        "People say I'm a bad influence. I say the world is already pretty messed up - I'm just adding to it.",
        "Personally, I've always thought of a chaperone as a person too old to make the team, but still in there intercepting passes.",
        "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.",
        "Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.",
        "Sometimes I think well. And sometimes I think: Oh well...",
        "Sometimes when it's quiet, I can hear my brain cells die.",
        "Tell your little voices to SHUT UP! I can't hear mine...",
        "Thank you for trying to sell me something I don't want, but I don't have any surplus hostility to vent. Could you please come back at a worse time? Thanks.",
        "That which does not kill me... will be the basis for my revenge.",
        "The closest I came to perfection was when I wrote my resume.",
        "The only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.",
        "The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!",
        "The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. Although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it, either. So what I am left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember.",
        "There comes a moment in everyone's life, and I've had plenty of 'em.",
        "There is an angel inside of me whom I am constantly shocking.",
        "They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, 'Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?' Clear as a bell my body said, 'Listen witch... do it and die.'",
        "They told me taking over the world would never be easy, (in a tearful voice) but... they never told me it would be this hard!",
        "Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.",
        "Trouble's always a good shot, and in my case it has a laser sight.",
        "What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.",
        "When I became self-employed, I think I hired the wrong person.",
        "When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.",
        "When I travel through a big city and I see the dark underbelly of society, I like to rub it because that makes society go to sleep.",
        "When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.",
        "When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.",
        "Whenever I feel that the world is moving too fast, I go to the Post Office.",
        "Where there's a will, I want to be in it.",
        "Yes, I know it's bad for me, but nagging me about it might be bad for you.",
        "You're just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.",
        "'A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again.' - Jay Leno",
        "'Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200'",
        "'An Australian relief effort is knitting sweaters to protect the feathers of penguins who are being affected by an oil spill. The sweaters are being refused by many penguins who'd rather die then dress casual.' - Conan O'Brien",
        "'AOL for Dummies' is kind of redundant, don't you think?",
        "'I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!' - Homer Simpson",
        "'If these pills don't stop the kleptomania,' said the psychiatrist, 'try and get me a nice video camera.'",
        "'Nearly everything you read signed 'from God' is just somebody putting their words in My mouth.' - God",
        "'Streakers *repant* your end is in sight.'",
        "'The game of catch has never been so fun!' - inventor of the hand grenade.",
        "'What do you take me for, an idiot?' - General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy",
        "'I'm not sure who he is, but I've heard he's got his hand in a lot of things.'- Kermit The Frog, about Jim Henson.",
        "'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.",
        "'When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.' - Chuck Norris",
        "37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent.",
        "47.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot.",
        "5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.",
        "60% of Americans say that, if they could push a button that would make Larry King disappear, they would keep pushing it and not stop.",
        "665: Neighbour of the Beast.",
        "666A, 666B - Tenants of the beast.",
        "766: Upstairs neighbour of the Beast.",
        "9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.",
        "99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.",
        "A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.",
        "A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.",
        "A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.",
        "A friend in need is a friend indeed, But a friend with weed is better.",
        "A hush fell over the courtroom, injuring six.",
        "A major company just developed a new paint called Blondo, it's not to bright and it spreads easily..",
        "A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...",
        "A rock --> me <-- A hard place",
        "A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.",
        "A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.",
        "A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help.",
        "Above all else: Sky.",
        "Absence makes the heart grow fungus.",
        "Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.",
        "Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age...",
        "All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.",
        "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.",
        "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor's cute, screw the fruit",
        "An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.",
        "Analysing humour is like analysing a frog: you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.",
        "And God said, 'Let there be light', and there was light. And everyone said, 'Hey, cool! Do You do parties?'.",
        "And he disappeared in a puff of logic.",
        "And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE",
        "Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.",
        "Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.",
        "Assassins do it from behind.",
        "At least Congress doesn't make death worse every year.",
        "Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.",
        "Be alert - the world needs more lerts.",
        "Because of the California Power Crisis, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.",
        "Bill & Hillary are on a sinking ship, who gets saved? The nation.",
        "Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.",
        "Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.",
        "Broken promises don't bother me at all. I just wonder why they keep believing me.",
        "But looking ridiculous IS the fashion this year!",
        "By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry'.",
        "Carpenter's rule: cut to fit. beat into place.",
        "Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.",
        "Christopher Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh.",
        "Clones are people two.",
        "Condense soup, not books",
        "Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.",
        "Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!",
        "Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good.",
        "Customer: Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!",
        "Waiter: It should, sir, it was ground this morning.",
        "DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast",
        "Dear Journal: I've figured out what's been causing my writer's cramp, that's why this is my last entry.",
        "Death called while you were out, so I gave him your pager number.",
        "Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?",
        "Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?",
        "Do you sleep on your stomach? -no?- Can I?",
        "Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?",
        "Don't abuse marijuana... smoke it gently and carefully.",
        "Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.",
        "Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.",
        "Dyslexic man sells soul to Santa... Film at 11.",
        "Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.",
        "Elephants wear tu-tus so they can hide in pine trees. Did you ever see an elephant in a pine tree? No? Well then, you know it works.",
        "Elvis is dead, Mozart is dead, Einstein is dead, and I'm not feeling so great myself.",
        "Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.",
        "Eschew Obfuscation.",
        "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?",
        "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? - John Mendoza",
        "Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.",
        "Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night.",
        "For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.",
        "For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.",
        "Forecast for tonight: Dark.",
        "Forest fires only lead to Smokey Bear - prevent them!",
        "Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.",
        "Get your mind out of the sewer and into the gutter with the rest of us.",
        "Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop circles.",
        "Growing old is mandatory. Growing up? Definitely optional.",
        "Guests who kill their talk show hosts. On the last Donahue.",
        "He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked cards and straight whisky.",
        "Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!",
        "Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.",
        "Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!",
        "Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.",
        "Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously 'erased'.",
        "Hermits have no peer pressure.",
        "I am diagonally parked between two parallel universes!",
        "I before E except after C. We live in a weird society!",
        "I don't see what all the fuss is about, if those dolphins were so smart, they wouldn't hang out with tuna.",
        "I doubt therefore I might be.",
        "I guess surrealism's not your cup of tuna.",
        "I hate the country, all those animals walking around un-cooked.",
        "I have spent most of my money on women and beer. The rest I just wasted...",
        "I keep trying to lose weight but it always finds me.",
        "I like feminists - I think they're cute.",
        "I'd give a thousand dollars to be one of them there millionaires!",
        "I'm gonna survive or die trying.",
        "I've got a plan so sharp you could pick your teeth with it.",
        "If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?",
        "If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.",
        "If God had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower.",
        "If I'm ignorant, that's the first I've heard of it!",
        "If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I'm so miserable!",
        "If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.",
        "Iguana: The other green meat.",
        "Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.",
        "In the beginning was the word. And the word was 'Aardvark'.",
        "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but only if no betting is involved.",
        "It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.",
        "It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.",
        "It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a Viking to raze a village.",
        "It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.",
        "It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.",
        "It's so cold here, the lawyers have there hands in their own pockets!",
        "Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.",
        "Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.",
        "Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.",
        "Leave road kill for the next car.",
        "Life - it's nothing like the Brochure!",
        "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.",
        "Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted, clicked his spurs and rode off.",
        "Monarchs are acceptable, but we draw the line at Rulers.",
        "Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.",
        "Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.",
        "My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I'm dead. - some dead guy",
        "Necrophelia means never having to say... well, anything!",
        "Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)",
        "Never miss a good chance to shut up. - Will Rogers",
        "Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on!",
        "Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. - Tallulah Bankhead",
        "Oh Lord give me patience... NOW!",
        "on the friday the 13th/halloween horror flicks those kids are so easy to kill, you could strangle them with a cordless phone",
        "Only one shopping day left until tomorrow!",
        "Only Users Lose Drugs...",
        "Opportunity knock only once, if you hear a second knock it's probally a Jehovah's witness.",
        "Pave the planet! One world. One people. One slab of asphalt.",
        "People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.",
        "Possesive???Me?? Nah, I was just sick the day they discussed sharing in Kindergarten",
        "Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.",
        "Refuse Novocain... Transcend Dental Medication.",
        "remember my name you'll be screaming it later!!",
        "Repaint! Repaint! And never thin again!",
        "Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, And so am I!",
        "Save A Tree, Wipe Your Ass With An Owl!!!",
        "Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it.",
        "Seen on a fly swatter, 'Pest Doctors - All our patients die. Use this until we get there.'",
        "Sheep don't fly so much as plummet.",
        "So you say money doesn't motivate you. What does? I'll buy it for you!",
        "Some people have a way with words, while others... erm... thingy.",
        "Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: If you see me running, try to keep up.",
        "Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more important than what they reveal.",
        "Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!",
        "Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.",
        "Sure, when... - OINK FLAP OINK FLAP - Well I'll be darned!",
        "SUSHIDO: The way of the Tuna.",
        "Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing our living rooms.",
        "The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.",
        "The American Heart and Lung Association surveyed doctors and found that 9 out of 10 doctors who tried Camels went back to women.",
        "The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.",
        "The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is no crisis.",
        "The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less...",
        "The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.",
        "The early bird still has to eat worms.",
        "The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.",
        "The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.",
        "The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The pragmatist, being thirsty, drinks the water.",
        "The score was Hydrogen: 2 and Oxygen: 1 when the game was called because of rain.",
        "The wages of sin are eternal damnation. (the hours are good though)",
        "There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who are good with words, and those who are... erm... thingy",
        "There's a typo in this sentence, but it slides away when your eyes move toward it.",
        "There's no future in time travel.",
        "They say when nature calls you should answer it, I say let the answering machine get it.",
        "This email is never sent unsolicited. It is only sent to you because you are lucky enough to know the sender.",
        "This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.",
        "This message was sent to you via email in much the same way bricks aren't.",
        "Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.",
        "Time flies when you're in a coma.",
        "Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it eventually kills all its students.",
        "To kiss a fool is bad. To let a fool kiss you is even worse.",
        "Today's subliminal thought is:",
        "Today, my marker board reads: 'This month is Farm Animal Awareness Week.' It is also National Singles week. Please do NOT get the two mixed up.",
        "Tofu - the other white meat substitute.",
        "Two people in every one is a schizophrenic.",
        "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.",
        "Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force 1990-1951.",
        "Ways to Relieve Stress #10. Make up a language and ask people for directions.",
        "We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.",
        "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.",
        "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.",
        "We now return you to abnormal programming.",
        "We reserve the right to arm bears.",
        "We're all our fathers' fastest swimmers.",
        "Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!",
        "Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!",
        "What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG'? An Amish drive-by shooting.",
        "What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.",
        "What's the greatest world-wide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.",
        "What's the height of conceit?�  Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.",
        "When all else fails, admit I'm right and kiss my ass.",
        "When Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was suprised, but when Old MacDonald had a FARM, the doctor nearly had a heart attack!",
        "When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy - When planets do it we say they are orbiting.",
        "When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.",
        "When you're swimming in the creek, And an eel bites your cheek, That's a moray! - Fabulous Furry Freak Bros",
        "Why am I frowning? It takes 42 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile and I need the exercise!",
        "Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.",
        "Why is it best to use the outhouse at noon? That's when the flies are in the kitchen.",
        "Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it?",
        "Wouldn't it be great if age and gravity did to a penis what it does to boobs? -Bob Jones",
        "Write your questions down on the back of $20 dollar bill and send them to me.",
        "Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.",
        "You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.",
        "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.",
        "You can't have everything... where would you put it?",
        "You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.",
        "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.",
        "You say tomato, I say ketchup.",
        "You're just jealous because my cereal only talks to me.",
        "ZenCrafters: Total Enlightenment in about an hour.",
        "'If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.' - Carl Sagan",
        "'Today, everybody remembers Galileo. How many can name the bishops and professors who refused to look through his telescope?' - James Hogan, Mind Matters",
        "'I used to stick my head in really large magnetic fields and induce the current in my mouth. It tasted sour' My physics professor",
        "'It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.' --Albert Einstein in 'Albert Einstein: The Human Side'",
        "2nd Law of Thermodynamics: Chaos will Reign.",
        "31.69 nHz = once a year.",
        "A bristlecone pine is just a fire's way of making another fire.",
        "A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.",
        "A red sign on the door of a physics professor: 'If this sign is blue, you're going too fast.'",
        "A vibration is a motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to go.",
        "Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.",
        "Alcohol and calculus don't mix - PLEASE don't drink and derive.",
        "All that glitters has a high refractive index.",
        "As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain. And as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. - Einstein",
        "Barium: What you do with dead chemists.",
        "Be careful with water -- it's full of hydrogen and oxygen!",
        "Biology grows on you.",
        "Black holes suck.",
        "Black holes were created when God divided by 0.",
        "Color... it's just a pigment of your imagination.",
        "ebius coolsig. This is a moebius coolsig. This is a mo ...",
        "Einstein never accepted quantum mechanics because of this element of chance and uncertainty. He said: God does not play dice. It seems that Einstein was doubly wrong. The quantum effects of black holes suggests that not only does God play dice, He sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen. - Steven Hawking",
        "Entropy - it's a tough job, but somebody's got to undo it.",
        "Entropy is the tendency of everything going to hell",
        "Entropy isn't what it used to be.",
        "Entropy: Not just a fad, it's the future!",
        "Geologists rock your world.",
        "Geology: Subduction leads to Orogeny.",
        "Gravity isn't MY fault--I voted for velcro!",
        "Gravity... not just a good idea: It's the law.",
        "I like angles, but only to a degree.",
        "If the Earth is the size of a pea in New York, then the Sun is a beachball 50m away, Pluto is 4km away, and the next nearest star is in Tokyo. Now shrink Pluto's orbit into a coffee cup, then our Milky Way Galaxy fills North America.",
        "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.",
        "In The Beginning there was nothing, which exploded.",
        "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.",
        "Little Johnny was a scientist. Little Johnny is no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4.",
        "May the torque be about you.",
        "Nature abhors a vacuum. So does my sister's dog.",
        "On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.",
        "Particle physicists are always trying to hold a meeting, but whenever they decide on a place, the time changes.",
        "Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...",
        "Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.",
        "Resolving a transformation is like cleaning a barn - it's hard to get started, but when you're good and dirty, you might as well keep going.",
        "Scientists have discovered that time is not real, that we only live in the current moment. But then according to that, they haven't done the research, and don't have anything to back them up.",
        "Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.",
        "That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder. - Calvin (& Hobbes)",
        "The Benoit/Blamey Theory of Thermo-Sock-Dynamics: Why bother to do laundry, when the inevitable loss of a sock will just increase entropy and contribute to the eventual heat death of the universe anyway?",
        "The law of gravity says, 'no fair jumping without coming down'",
        "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'' - Isaac Asimov",
        "The most important part of a microbiologist's job is not letting the little things get to him.",
        "The square root of three equals two for large values of three. - found in a bathroom in the Cornell Physics department",
        "The Three Laws Of Thermodynamics, God Shoots Dice Style: First Law: You can't win. Second Law: You can't break even. Third Law: You can't even get out of the game.",
        "To most people solutions mean finding the answers but to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up...",
        "What happens if a big asteroid hits the Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry",
        "When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. The two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.",
        "When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.",
        "Why, if heat rises, are mountain tops so friggin' cold?",
        "2,000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds",
        "A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset. - James Gould Cozzens",
        "Acting: The art of keeping the audience from coughing.",
        "Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.",
        "Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.",
        "Aibohphobia: The fear of pallindromes",
        "Air bags: Inflation we can live with.",
        "Alarm clock: A device to wake people without small kids.",
        "Alchoholic: One who, when is confronted with a small problem, turns to a bigger one.",
        "Alibi: proof that you were in two places at once.",
        "Aloha Oy: Love, greetings and farewell from such a pain you should never know.",
        "Aquadextrious - The art of turning the bathtub tap on with your toes.",
        "Atheism: A non-prophet organization.",
        "Atheist: Someone with no invisible means of support.",
        "Auditor: A person sent in after the battle to stab the wounded",
        "Australian Rules Football: A ame devised for padded cells, played in the open air.",
        "Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.",
        "Baby-sitter: A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.",
        "Bachelor: One who treats all women as sequels.",
        "Bad Driver: Someone who thinks it normal to carry an assortment of colours of touch up paint in their glove box. (My Father in-law!)",
        "Bank manager: A jerk who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and ask for it back when it starts to rain.",
        "Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.",
        "blechgck-a sound of utter blahness for the task at hand.",
        "Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.",
        "Budget: A method for going broke methodically.",
        "Budget: Something we go without to stay within.",
        "Cable (n) (kay-bull): Commercial programming with 5 minute intermissions of garbage",
        "Camel: A horse designed by a committee.",
        "Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they're dead.",
        "Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.",
        "Civilization: Going from shoeless toes to toeless shoes.",
        "Classic: A book that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants to read.",
        "code orange means eat dessert first",
        "College: The place where you have three options--to sleep, to study, or to party - but only get to pick two per semester.",
        "Committee: A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.",
        "Committee: A group of people that keeps minutes and wastes hours.",
        "Committee: A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.",
        "Committee: The unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.",
        "Confidence: the feeling a person has before he fully understands the situation.",
        "Conscience: That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol.",
        "Conscience: The inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. - H. L. Mencken",
        "Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.",
        "Cynic: Someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.",
        "Death: Life's way of saying: You can let go of your ankles now.",
        "Democracy: Three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.",
        "Diamond: A chunk of coal that made it under pressure.",
        "Dictionary: A book that tells you how to spell words you need to know how to spell in order to look them up a dictionary.",
        "Dieting: Wishful shrinking.",
        "Diplomacy: The ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way he looks forward to the trip.",
        "Diplomacy: The art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... till you can find a rock.",
        "Diplomat: A man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.",
        "Disco: A din of iniquity.",
        "Dummy: Sit in the tunnel and wait for the light to come to you!",
        "e-i-e-i-o: A gross misspelling of the word 'farm'.",
        "Eccentric: Too rich to be called crazy.",
        "Economist: One who tells you what to do with your money after you've spent it.",
        "Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.",
        "Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair.",
        "Expert: A person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.",
        "Fairy tales: Horror stories for children to get them used to reality.",
        "Fashion: That which, while not necessarily beautiful, makes all that preceded it look silly.",
        "Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.",
        "Foreploy: any misrepresentation of yourself for the express purpose of obtaining sex.",
        "Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.",
        "Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.",
        "Giraffiti: Concrete art spray-painted very, very high.",
        "Hangover: The wrath of grapes.",
        "Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.",
        "Honest politician: One who, when bought, stays bought.",
        "Hoochie: Anyone in the first 5 rows at a boyband concert.",
        "Hope: Enjoyment of the future in advance.",
        "Hospital: Where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.",
        "Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.",
        "Idealist: One who upon observing that a rose smells better than a cabbage concludes that it will also make better soup.",
        "Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings'",
        "Insane: When you're nuts and it bothers you. (Crazy is when you're nuts and you like it).",
        "Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.",
        "Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.",
        "Lactomangulation: Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.",
        "Laziness: Resting before you get tired.",
        "love is when the akward silences aren't akward",
        "Microchips: what's left at the bottom of the bag when it reaches you.",
        "Mixed emotions: Watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your desk.",
        "Occam's Razor: the simpler an explanation, the more likely it is to be true. Murphy's Blunt Instrument: the more convoluted and conspiritual an explanation, the more likely it is to be beleived.",
        "Ocean: A body of water occupying 2/3 of a world made for man who has no gills.",
        "Optimism: It will all come out in the wish",
        "Oregon (n) (Or-eh-gun): When, after two days of rain, Monday arrives.",
        "Pain: A cat licking your sunburn.",
        "Paper clip: The larval stage of coat hangers.",
        "Politics: From the words 'poly' meaning 'many' and 'ticks' as in 'small, blood-sucking parasites'.",
        "Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.",
        "Profanity: Strong words said by weak people.",
        "Profanity: The linguistic crutch of inarticulate bastards",
        "Psychiatrist: A person who tries to figure out whether an infant has more fun in infancy than an adult has in adultery.",
        "Punctuality: the virtue of the bored.",
        "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.",
        "Reality: A crutch for people who can't face drugs.",
        "Recession: A period when you go without things your grandparents never heard of.",
        "Recursion: see Recursion.",
        "Redundancy is just basically saying something over and over and over again.",
        "Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.",
        "Relativitiy: Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. Sit on a red-hot stove for a minute, it seems like an hour.",
        "Researcher: One who pulls habits out of rats",
        "Santatarianism: The belief that when you die your soul gets stuck in the chimney.",
        "School: Place where people learn how to copy textbooks, for that common situation in later life when the photocopier breaks and you realy need part of a book you aren't allowed to borrow.",
        "Selfishness: Not being considerate of other people's selfishness.",
        "Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.",
        "Slander: To lie, or tell the truth about someone.",
        "Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.",
        "Snackmosphere: The 95% air inside a bag of chips.",
        "Solicitor: A person that makes sure they get what's coming to you.",
        "Stress: The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some butthead who desperately needs it.",
        "Tact: The ability to describe others as they see themselves. - Abraham Lincoln",
        "Taxpayer: Someone who doesn't have to take a public service exam to work for the government.",
        "Television: The electronic device that alternates between extreme violence and finding great long-distance rates.",
        "The normal, in physics is a line that is ninety degrees from reality.",
        "Tourist: Someone who goes 3,000 miles to get a picture in front of his car.",
        "Vacation: A time when parents realize that teachers aren't paid enough.",
        "Vinylocity: The strange atmospheric force that makes the shower curtain blow towards you while trying to shower.",
        "Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut.",
        "Windows 95: 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can´t stand 1 bit of competition",
        "Wisdom is made of two parts: 1) having a lot to say and 2) not saying it.",
        "Worry: The interest you pay on trouble before it comes.",
        "Writer: Someone who's never seen a chasm that didn't yawn.",
        "'After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.' - Dumbledore (Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone)",
        "'Always throw spilled salt over your left shoulder. Keep rosemary by your garden gate. Add pepper to your mashed potatoes. Plant roses and lavender, for luck. Fall in love whenever you can.' - Alice Hoffman (Practical Magic)",
        "'And I, of course, am innocent of all but malice.' - Fiona, Sign of the Unicorn, by Roger Zelazny",
        "'And if you're going to criticize me for not finishing the whole thing and tying it up in a bow for you, why, do us both a favor and write your own damn book, only have the decency to call it a romance instead of a history, because history's got no bows on it, only frayed ends of ribbons and knots that can't be untied. It ain't a pretty package, but then it's not your birthday that I know of so I'm under no obligation to give you a gift.' --Orson Scott Card, Alvin Journeyman",
        "'because we are the people, and the people go on'--Ma Joad in 'The Grapes of Wrath' by John Steinbeck",
        "'Death belongs to God alone. By what right do men touch that unknown thing?' - Victor Hugo, Les Misérables",
        "'How can I help it?' he blubbered. 'How can I help seeing what is in front of my eyes? Two and two are four.' 'Sometimes, Winston. Sometimes they are five. Sometimes they are three. Sometimes they are all of them at once. You must try harder. It is not easy to become sane.' - 1984 (George Orwell)",
        "'Life is a Gift Horse.' J.D. Salinger from 'Teddy'",
        "'Life is pain. Anybody that says different is selling something.' -- Fezzik's mother, The Princess Bride",
        "'Not all who wander are lost.' - J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring",
        "'The surest sign that there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.' Calvin and Hobbes",
        "'Whree in the nine hells did you ever find the notion that I would fight fair?' -Drizzt Do'Urden, The Crystal Shard (R.A. Salvator)",
        "*Constance nervously bites her thumbnail* Tybalt: Do you bite your thumb at me sir?! Constance: No! I just bite my nails, that's all. Tybalt: Do you bite your nails at me sir?! Constance: No I swear! Look, I'll never bite them again. This'll be a great chance for me to quit once and for all. Thanks. -- 'Goodnight Desdemona (Good Morning Juliet)'",
        "A bore is a person who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company - John MacDonald in 'The Turquoise Lament', 1973",
        "All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others. - Animal Farm, George Orwell",
        "Apparently the Dutch now prided themselves on being better at queues than the English, which was absurd, because standing cheerfully in line was the English national sport. - Orson Scott Card, Shadow Puppets",
        "Behind them lay pain, and death, and fear. Ahead of them lay doubt, and danger, and fathomless mysteries. But they weren't alone. - The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman",
        "But what was there to warn about, besides the fact that he glowed in the dark? - Tamora Pierce",
        "Certain things should just stay as they are. You ought to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone. - Holden, 'Catcher in the Rye'",
        "Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems? - Calvin and Hobbes",
        "Death: Weight doesn't come into it. My steed has carried armies. My steed has carried cities. Yea, he hath carried all things in their due time. But he's not going to carry you three. War: Why not? Death: It's a matter of the look of the thing. War: It's going to look pretty good, then, isn't it, the One Horseman and Three Pedestrians of the Apocralypse. (from Sourcery, by Terry Pratchett)",
        "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards because a refusal often offends, I read somewhere. - Terry Pratchett, Mort",
        "Does the walker choose the path, or the path, the walker? - Sabriel, by Garth Nix",
        "Don't try to out-weird me, three eyes. I get weirder things than you in my breakfast cereal. - Zaphod Beeblebrox, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galazy",
        "Even when reading is impossible, the presence of books acquired produces such and ecstasy that the buying of more books than one can read is nothing less than the soul reaching towards infinity... we cherish books even if unread, their mere presence exudes comfort, their ready access, reassurance. - A.E. Newton",
        "Fifteen religions at least. That's a lot of religions for one God. - The Virginian (Owen Wilder)",
        "Go shake your ears. - Maria, Shakespeare's 'Twelfth Night'",
        "God does not play dice with the universe: He plays an ineffable game of His own devising which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players (*i.e., everybody), to being involving in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules and who /smiles all the time./ --Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchet",
        "God kills, and so shall we indiscriminately He takes the richest and the poorest, and so shall we. For no creatures under God are as we are, none so like Him as ourselves. - Lestat, Interview With The Vampire, Anne Rice.",
        "Hamlet (holding a skull): 'This is Yorick, I can tell.' Horatio: 'Boy, you must have known him well.' - Green Eggs and Hamlet'",
        "Her imagination was by habit ridiculously active when the door was not open, it jumped out of the window. - Henry James, Portrait of a Lady.",
        "I don't need parents. All I need is a recording that says, 'Go play outside!' - Calvin and Hobbes",
        "I thought I had a great idea today, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar. - Calvin and Hobbes",
        "I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind. - Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte",
        "If I ever meet myself, I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me. - Zaphod Beeblebrox, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy",
        "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams",
        "In the course of a lifetime, what does it matter?",
        "In the real world, as in dreams, nothing is quite what it seems. - The Book of Sorrows",
        "In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. - The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy",
        "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. -Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice)",
        "It only makes sense that every facet of our daily lives should depend upon the position of celestial bodies hundreds of millions of miles away. - Calvin and Hobbes",
        "It startled him even more when just after he was awarded the Galactic Institute's Prize for Extreme Cleverness he got lynched by a rampaging mob of respectable physicists who had finally realized that the one thing they really couldn't stand was a smart ass. - The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy",
        "It was all very well going on about pure logic and how the universe was ruled by logic and the harmony of numbers, but the plain fact of the matter was that the disc was manifestly traversing space on the back of a giant turtle and the gods had a habit of going round to atheists' houses and smashing their windows. - Terry Pratchet, The Color Of Magic",
        "It's going to look pretty good, then, isn't it, said War testily, the One Horseman and Three Pedestrians of the Apocralypse. The Four Horsemen of the Apocralypse encounter unexpected difficulties. - Terry Pratchett, Sourcery",
        "Just because you have a mind like a hammer doesn't mean you should treat everyone else like a nail - Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind",
        "Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'. - Rincewind Expaining Twoflower, Terry Pratchett, The Color Of Magic",
        "Life... loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it. - Marvin the Paranoid Android, Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy",
        "Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. - Gandalf, J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring",
        "My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes. - Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy: part III: Life, The Universe and Everything",
        "Of all my relations I like sex the best, and Eric the least. - Nine Princes in Amber, by Roger Zelazny",
        "Reality continues to ruin my life. - Calvin and Hobbes",
        "Shared Pain is Lessened, shared Joy increased, thereby do we refute Entropy... - Michael Callahan, Callahan's Crosstime Saloon by Spider Robinson",
        "So we reach into the raging chaos, and we pluck some small glittering thing, and we cling to it, and tell ourselves it has meaning, and that the world is good, and we are not evil and we will all go home in the end.' - Lestat, Tale of the Body Thief by Anne Rice",
        "Some pirates achieved immortality by great deeds of cruelty or derring-do. Some achieved immortality by amassing great wealth. But the captain had long ago decided that he would, on the whole, prefer to achieve immortality by not dying. - Terry Pratchett, The Color Of Magic",
        "Still, it was a relief to get away from that macabre sight. Gander considered that gnolls didn't look any better inside than out. He hated their guts. - Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites",
        "That's cool, said Zaphod. We'll meet the meat. - Zaphod Beetlebrox, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.",
        "The butler entered the room, a solemn procession of one. - P.G. Wodehouse",
        "The eyes are purjors, right enough. But do you truly trust the testimony of your ears, of your nose, of the root of your tongue? Not I, my friend. The universe lies to our senses, and they lie to us, and how can we ourselves be anything but liars? For myself, I trust neither the message nor the messenger neither what I am told, nor what I see. There may be truth somewhere, but it never gets down to me. But, you never know. I could be wrong. - Peter Beagle, 'The Last Unicorn'",
        "The most common mistake people make when designing something completely foolproof, is underestimating the ingenuity of complete fools. - Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless",
        "The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars. - Jack Kerouac, On the Road",
        "The reason I'm having so much trouble flying this ship is because it's black. The walls are black, the floor is black, the console is black, the switches are black, the labels are little black letters printed on a black background, and when you press anything, a black light lights up in black to tell you you've done it.' Ford Prefect - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy",
        "The structure of the university was such that, to become a member of the faculty, you merely found some obscure subject that nobody else claimed to teach, set up an office, and showed up at meal times. If you were unlucky, you may attract students. - Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent",
        "The thing I want to know is, if you tell your brain not to do stuff like that and it keeps doing it anyway, does that mean your mind has a mind of its own? And if it does, then who's in charge here, anyway? -Jed, Armageddon Summer (Yolen)",
        "The vermine is a small black and white relative of the lemming, found in the cold Hublandish regions. Its skin is rare and highly valued, especially by the vermine itself the selfish little bastard will do anything rather than let go of it. - Discworld wildlife, Terry Pratchett, Sourcery",
        "The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it's as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues. - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures.",
        "There is no room in my body for anything but you. My arms love you, my knees shake with blind affection. My mind begs you to ask it something so it can obey. - Buttercup from The Princess Bride by William Goldman",
        "There is no such thing as good guys and bad guys, just them and us. - Belgarath, David and Leigh Eddings",
        "They may have been ugly. They may have been evil. But when it came to poetry-in-motion, the Things had all the grace and coordination of a desk-chair. - Terry Pratchett",
        "Thibbledwarf Pwent meant to train a group of dwarves in the not-so-subtle art of battleraging, his personal Gutbuster Brigade, highly motivated, skilled in frenzy, and not to smart. Another dwarf hit the barricaded door, probably head-first, and Drizzt understood how Pwent meant to facilitate the third of his requirements for his soldiers. -R.A. Salvator, Forgotten Realms",
        "This book is dedicated to my brilliant and beautiful wife without whom I would be nothing. She always comforts and consoles, never complains or interferes, asks nothing, and endures all. She also writes my dedications. - Albert Malvino",
        "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. - Ford Prefect, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy",
        "To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, 'I wish I had known this some time ago.' - Corwin, Sign of the Unicorn",
        "We are all blind. The miser is blind he sees gold, but does not see true riches. The prodigal is blind he sees the beginning, but not the end. The quoquette is blind she does not see her own wrinkles. The learned is blind he does not see his own ignorance. The honest man is blind he does not see the theif. The theif is blind he does not see God. God is blind the day he created the world, he did not see the devil manage to creep into it. I myself am blind I speak and do not see that you are blind. - Victor Hugo, 'The Man Who Laughed'",
        "We die containing a richness of lovers and tribes, tastes we have swallowed, bodies we have plunged into and swum up as if rivers of knowledge... characters we have climbed into as if trees, fears we have hidden in as if caves. (...) We are communal histories, communal books. We are not owned or monogamous in our taste or experience. --Michael Ondaatje, The English Patient",
        "Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons. - Popular Mechanics, 1949",
        "While I'm still confused and uncertain, it's on a much higher plane, d'you see, and at least I know I'm bewildered about the really fundamental and important facts of the universe. - Discworld scientists at work, Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites",
        "You don't understand! screamed the tourist, above the terrible noise of the wingbeats. All my life I've wanted to see dragons! From the inside? shouted Rincewind. - Rincewind suggesting caution to Twoflower, Terry Pratchett, The Color Of Magic",
        "A hug is a great gift - one size fits all and its easy to exchange",
        "AAAH! You broke my fortune cookie!",
        "Be yourself. Who else knows how?",
        "Confucius say - 'He who stands on toilet is high on pot'",
        "Error 404: Fortune not found",
        "Help, I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory!",
        "Ignore previous cookie",
        "In God we trust, but others must pay cash!",
        "May the dragon of life only roast your hot-dogs and never burn your buns!",
        "Next time read the fortune befo... [bitten off]",
        "Remember Fluffy?",
        "sorry no fortune today. Enjoy your cookie.",
        "That wasn't chicken...",
        "The person sitting across from you expects you to pay for dinner.",
        "They may crush your cookie but you always have your fortune.",
        "Those who think outside the box often find that they have only exchanged one box for another.",
        "You are hungry for Fortune East Chinese Food! Call 555-2112 to appease stomach.",
        "You love Chinese food.",
        "You will be healthier if you eat more chinese food.",
        "You're still hungry, eat another fortune cookie",
        " Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?",
        "'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.",
        "111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =12,345,678,987,654,321",
        "A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.",
        "A snail can sleep for 3 years.",
        "All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of a $5 bill.",
        "american indians were named after the first thing their mothers saw when leaving their teepees - but I've never met one with a name such as cooking pot, tourist, or pile of dung.",
        "Back in the day when printed material required each letter on the sheet to be carefully laid out in a print box, the letters 'p' and 'q' were sometimes mistaken for one another, and that's where the phrase 'mind your 'p's and 'q's' comes from.",
        "Cloth came in bolts of nine yards of the fabric. Elaborate clothes were constructed out of the entire bolt, and so making those clothing items goes 'the whole nine yards'.",
        "Grape jelly does not melt in hot tea.",
        "If you open a curad bandaid in the dark that has the two adhesive strips on the sides of the wrpper the two adhesive strips will glow blue!",
        "In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's.'",
        "In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.",
        "In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase 'goodnight, sleep tight' came from.",
        "In the english language, the number four is the only number to have the same number of letters as the number itself.",
        "More money is spent world wide on Chicago Bulls merchandise then the entire economy of New Zealand.",
        "More people are killed by donkeys than plane crashes.",
        "No President of the United States was an only child.",
        "Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.",
        "On the new five dollar bills, they cut down on the number of states on the back. Mississippi did not make the cut.",
        "Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.",
        "Shakespeare invented the words 'assassination' and 'bump'.",
        "Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.",
        "Termites eat wood twice as fast if you play loud music.",
        "The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.",
        "The characters Bert and Ernie were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's 'Its A Wonderful Life'.",
        "The continents names all end with the same letter they start with.",
        "The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year. When it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.",
        "The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tub and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.",
        "The original color of coca-cola was green.",
        "The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.",
        "The term 'devil's advocate' comes from the Roman Catholic church. When deciding if someone should be sainted, a devil's advocate is always appointed to give an alternative view.",
        "The word 'trivia' comes from latin Tri Via, a newspaper named after a place where three roads came together.",
        "The word Assassin comes from the word Hashish (the drug). the Assassins were a group of arabs in the 12th century C.E. who smoked hashish and were the first group of paid murderers that the west encountered",
        "there is 336 dimples on a golf ball",
        "Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.",
        "Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.",
        "To proliferate the species, aphids produce by virgin birth for three generations!",
        "Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.",
        "W.W. 2 fighter pilots loading their planes with ammo would stretch the 50-caliber machine gun belts on the ground, measuring 27 feet.when all the ammo was expended at a target it was said to have gotten 'The Whole Nine Yards'",
        "When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.",
        "24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?",
        "A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? - W.C. Fields",
        "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -Ernest Hemingway",
        "American beer is like making love in a canoe. It's f*cking close to water. - Monty Python",
        "And God said: Let there be vodka! And He saw that it was good. Then God said: Let there be light! And then He said: Whoa - too much light.",
        "As a rule, I don't drink -- as a habit, I do!",
        "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...",
        "Beer - The reason I wake up every afternoon.",
        "Beer contains Vitamin Pee.",
        "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.",
        "Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!",
        "Beer: Now THERE'S a temporary solution.",
        "Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your beer.",
        "Dough, the stuff, that buys my beer, Ray, the guy that tends the bar, Me, the guy, who drinks my beer, Far, the distance to the bar, So, I think I'll have a beer, La, Laa lAA lAh LaH LAA LAAAH! Tea, no thanks I want a beer, which brings us back to Dough Dough Dough!",
        "Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.",
        "Give a man a beer, he'll waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, he'll waste a lifetime.",
        "I don't drink anymore. Of course, I don't drink any less, either.",
        "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra",
        "I have a drink to celebrate the little things. Like Tuesdays - we only have one of those a week!",
        "I killed a six-pack just to watch it die.",
        "I swear to drunk I'm not God!",
        "I'd rather have a beer than win father of the year - Homer Simpson",
        "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. -Tom Waits",
        "If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. - David Daye",
        "If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Jack Handy",
        "If you like my Bushes you'll love my Mountains (On the front of a T-Shirt with bush beer)",
        "im not an alcoholic im a drunk cause i dont go to meetings... - Jason Brown fort worth texas",
        "Irish I had another drink.",
        "Love makes the world go 'round? So what? Beer makes it go 'round twice as fast.",
        "Many people die of thirst - but the Irish are born with one.",
        "Milk Sucks, Got Beer?",
        "Once during prohibition, I was forced to live on nothing but food and water. - W.C. Fields",
        "One more and I'll be under the host - Dorothy Parker",
        "Remember I before E, except in Budweiser.",
        "Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.",
        "Scotch. Even we Irish will drink it...",
        "Some people have six pack abdomens. I have a keg.",
        "The best days to drink beer are days that end in the letter, 'Y'.",
        "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart",
        "There are 5 signs that you are drunk. The first one is loss of memory, but I can't remember the rest.",
        "There are only two times when I drink beer, when I'm alone and when I'm with someone else.",
        "There's too much blood in my alcohol system",
        "Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.",
        "To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.",
        "To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run!",
        "To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group",
        "What's on the mind when sober, is on the tongue when not. - Josh Seidel",
        "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman",
        "Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn't rule the world.",
        "Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. - David Moulton",
        "Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza. - Dave Barry",
        "Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde",
        "You are drunk when you feel sophisticated but you can't pronounce it.",
        "You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. - Frank Zappa",
        "You know you are getting old, when happy hour is a nap.",
        "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - Dean Martin",
        "I don't question YOUR existence. - God",
        "Man is certainly stark mad: He cannot make a flea, yet he makes gods by the dozens. - Montaigne",
        "Preach the Gospel at all times. If necessary, use words. - St. Francis of Assisi",
        "Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the Ark.",
        "SATAN, SATAN! It's the main megafurnace! She's losin' power and the temperature is dropping fast! I'm not sure if I can hold her! - Scotty in Hell",
        "Beliefs are like watches. Each trusts his own, but no two run the same. - The Pope",
        "During the presidential campaign of 1880, the Christian Union made the startling admission that, of the nineteen men who, up to that time, had held the office of President of the United States, not one, with the possible exception of Washington, had ever been a member of a Christian church. - John Remsburg",
        "If atheism is a religion, then health is a disease - Clark Adams",
        "Is god willing to prevent evil but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him god? - Epicurus (341-270 BCE)",
        "Why Johnny Can't Read - Now available on VHS and multimedia CD-ROM!",
        "For those of you who have children and don't know about it, we have a nursery downstairs. - On a church sign, Dallas",
        "A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.",
        "A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac - one who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog...",
        "A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.",
        "A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, What is this, some kind of joke?",
        "A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.",
        "Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!",
        "And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords - Alan Wilson Watts",
        "And on the 8th day God said: 'Ok Murphy, you take over.'",
        "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.",
        "Atheist achieving orgasm: Oh Random! Oh, Chance!",
        "Beware of the Vampire Jesus - He gave his blood for you and he wants it all back now!",
        "Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.",
        "Can priests turn other food into God, or only those little cookies?",
        "Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? - Jules Feiffer",
        "Confession without repentance is just bragging. - Rev. Eugene Bolton",
        "ERROR 666: Armageddon detected. Please restart universe and try again.",
        "Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.",
        "First Prayer you should say: 'Dear God, I know you know everything, and I know that you know that I know that you know everything. So, you must know that I'm thankful for life... so I hereby say that I shouldn't have to spend my nights on my knees saying my thoughts to someone who already knows what I think. So this is my last and only prayer... it's either that or get me a damn kneepad.'",
        "Freedom *OF* religion includes freedom *FROM* religion.",
        "Give me some of that old-time Religion...HAIL ZEUS!",
        "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.",
        "God said it. I believe it. That settles it.",
        "God: Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth.",
        "Angel: What are you going to do now?",
        "God: I think I'll call it a day.",
        "Here's to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra",
        "How do we know God doesn't change his mind as much as we do?",
        "I always liked working with the Priests that drank the wine during mass. They were the easiest to work with.",
        "I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.",
        "I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill",
        "I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.",
        "I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.",
        "I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.",
        "I don't mind Jesus, it's his fan club I can't stand.",
        "I saw the light. I turned it off.",
        "I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.",
        "If atheism is a religion, then 'bald' is a hair color.",
        "If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajita's, cause that's what he's getting.",
        "If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.",
        "If i cant eat chocolate in heaven... then im not going.",
        "If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.",
        "If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?",
        "If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?",
        "If we're born again, does that mean we get two belly buttons?",
        "If you are going to sin, then sin in the bathroom. Even God has the decency not to look.",
        "If you freeze to death and end up in hell... wouldn't you be really comfortable some point along the way?",
        "If you live like there's no God... you'd better be right.",
        "In the beginning, God created the Baptists. And the Baptists looked at themselves and said: We good. And God saw it was too late.",
        "In the beginning, man created God. - Jethro Tull",
        "In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see a bit better.",
        "In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen.",
        "Instant shaman - add one drum and beat slowly.",
        "It's YOUR hell, YOU burn in it",
        "Jesus loves you, get over it!",
        "Jesus loves you. Then again, so does Barney.",
        "Jesus Saves! By using double coupons and shopping wisely.",
        "Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich. Why settle for the lesser of two evils?",
        "Jesus saves. Satan invests.",
        "Jesus Saves... Passes to Moses. Shoots... He SCORES!",
        "Jesus was a guy who wore long hair and sandals, and preached love and peace... my god, Jesus was the first hippie!",
        "Judaism: Higher messianic standards",
        "Life is short - pray hard.",
        "Make God laugh - plan for the future.",
        "Morality is doing what is right no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told no matter what is right.",
        "Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. -- G.K. Chesterton",
        "No amount of belief makes something a fact.",
        "No God, no peace. Know God, know peace.",
        "On an atheist's tombstone: Here lies an atheist. all dressed up and no place to go.",
        "Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...",
        "Prayer: 'Dear God, we payed for this food so thanks for nothing.'",
        "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.",
        "Religion is for those who fear hell, Spirituality is for those who have been there...",
        "Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?",
        "Sign on a church: 'We aren't Dairy Queen, but we have great Sundays!'",
        "Sometimes we turn to God when our foundations are shaking, only to find out it is God who is shaking them.",
        "Sorry I missed church, I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.",
        "Sudden prayers make God jump.",
        "Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.",
        "The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.",
        "The Scriptures are shallow enough for a babe to come and drink without fear of drowning and deep enough for theologians to swim in without ever reaching the bottom. - St. Jerome",
        "There are two kinds of people: those who say to God: Thy will be done, and those to whom God says: All right, then, have it your way. - C.S. Lewis",
        "There is no room for God in my world. Probably why he has a nice place of his own.",
        "There once was a time when everyone feared God and the Church reigned supreme... it was called the Dark Ages.",
        "They think, therefore I am. - God",
        "To YOU I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.",
        "Want to talk to God? Send Him some kneel-mail.",
        "When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and suddenly realized that I was talking to myself.",
        "When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's called schizophrenia.",
        "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.",
        "When you speak of heaven, let your face light up; let it be irradiated by a heavenly gleam; let your eyes shine with reflected glory. But when you speak of hell, your ordinary expression will do. - Charles Spurgeon",
        "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.",
        "People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to pick on rich women than biker gangs.",
        "People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad. - Ralph Waldo Emerson",
        "Perception, not possession is 9 tenths of the law.",
        "Printed on all firelog and charcoal packages: Caution! Risk of Fire!",
        "Question Authority and the Authorities will question You.",
        "Science is moving closer to weaponry, and Art is moving closer to commercialism. And never the twain shall meet. - Frank Zappa",
        "Suppose they held a war and nobody came?",
        "T.V. - Why do you think they call it programming?",
        "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits.",
        "The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.",
        "The NRA says, 'Guns don't kill people - people kill people.' That may be true, but I think the gun helps. You're not going to kill many people by standing around shouting 'bang!'.",
        "There is no such thing as government money, only taxpayer money.",
        "There's a fine line between an attitude problem and thinking clearly.",
        "They call television a medium. That's because it is neither rare nor well done.",
        "They pretend to tell us the truth, and we pretend to believe them. - Duncan Long, about the mainstream press.",
        "We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.",
        "When the rich wage war, its the poor who die." )